And can these dreams you can’t imagine. Will never match the vision that you had decided for me

Post Soundtrack: As ugly as I seem – The White Stripes

I like being proved wrong.

Now, this of course does not mean in all areas in life. But I actually like being proved wrong when it comes to people in this world who I might have had a preconceived judgement based on encounters and behaviors that have left me thinking. .

‘This person is a fucking idiot.”

After many years in therapy, and myself having explored the fucking dark areas as well as the good.  I really like to believe I can read people quite easily.  The times I have been proven wrong, were mostly because a personal emotion stood in the way of judging a person.  I get happy when people turn out to actually be genuine and kind, which just shows there in fact hope for mankind.

That being said.  My God are there many fucking idiots in this world.

Everyone has bad sides, EVERY FUCKING ONE. We judge, we all judge.  This is mostly based on like previously mentioned experiences.

I have a real bad side, and if someone happens to catch me and their first encounter with me at that moment in time.  Yeah, they will think I’m the biggest c#nt there is.  Cause I can be real c#unty at times, but I can also be the best friend you ever had.

I have this general rule that I will give people a chance to redeem themselves.  I have such respect for people who can acknowledge their behavior and apologize.

Recently I was working on a project.  This one person just managed to be a dick, and I’m talking big erected hard dickhead.  Yet the person knew he was temperamental and kept coming up to me and my team apologizing.  I respect that, it shows humility and self awareness. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it clearly shows a person being aware they are causing other people grief of sorts and owning up to it.  I applaud this.  I try my best myself to apologize when I’m being a c#unty bunch, cause I am so aware that I am being like that.  And I hope to better myself.

Then there are those who just remain fucking idiots.

I have long had a problem with a certain person.  I know this is my problem, but I was just really uncomfortable with their behavior.  I couldn’t really put my finger on what it was, but I just felt a bit uncomfortable.  I had voiced my opinions and made sure this person knew I was not happy with some of their actions.  Yet, time and fucking time again, it would strike.  So after I had enough and it was just causing this negative energy in my life, I finally decided to address this person.  On facebook of course, cause that’s how you communicate everything these days.

I just wrote a message expressing a bit of my anger and feeling of disrespect, that I was uncomfortable.  I knew maybe I was overreacting, but I couldn’t help but control my feelings.  I was hoping to open an honest dialogue, I was prepared to say that maybe I had been a bit unreasonable.

I just know if I received a message like I wrote, I would feel a bit guilty.  I would be mad of course thinking who the fuck is this person telling what and what not to do.

But at the same time I would feel humility knowing someone was so uncomfortable with me, they reached out.  I would apologize, LIKE ANY FUCKING DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD in such a situation.  I would maybe say; ‘It was not my intention. I will take that into consideration next time.’  THAT would be the right and decent thing to do.  You can all agree on that.

So when this person not only DOES NOT reply, instead continues to do what upsets me even more, now knowing how much it pisses me off. And I see their friends telling them, just ignore it. I can’t help but think. My God what is this world coming too? What the fuck is wrong with these people??  I even saw this person and gave them my death stare of ”Back the fuck off.”  NOTHING. Instead goes off saying shit like “Don’t worry, be happy.” And all that crap, my God is that fucking childish. You really don’t understand humanity.

My message to the world today is. Come down from your fucking pride chair and be humble.  For fuck sake, be a decent human being, and stop continuing purposely (Yet claiming innocence) do things like this to others.

This happened a few months back and I have just put this person on my ignore list of lame ignorant people.

But then I recently got a message from someone else, in completely different matter.  Who said they were sometimes uncomfortable with me doing a certain thing.  I was so horrified, cause I wasn’t aware I was causing such a feeling with someone.  At first I was like “What the fuck is this person on about!!??”  But then I quickly wrote back and explained myself, apologized for being insensitive and we both made sure we were on the same side.  It felt good to be at peace and strengthen a new friendship.  So it reminded me of myself being the person writing a similar message.  You really can never tell with people and their intentions.

So yeah, I know we all are dicks, bitches, cunts..whatever at times.  And some times on purpose.  Sometimes we just don’t give a flat fuck.  Let me tell you this, it’s not nice to get off on knowing you will piss someone off. Yet, I know how insanely fucking satisfactory that can feel. Pissing off someone you don’t like.  But you are just asking for bad karma.

 

Posted in reflection | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I’m afraid of the world. I’m afraid I can’t help it, I’m afraid I can’t

Post soundtrack
Im afraid of Americans by Davod Bowie and Nine inch nails

You know that saying that goes “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”  I hate that saying, probably because it’s true.

Fear is a bitch, biggest bitch ever.

When I was little I feared the fun things like the dark, fire, snakes and sharks,  I guess they are common fears for kids.  Those are nice fears, the PG version of fear.  When you get older fear turns into this emotional inside shit.  I mean you can actually fear everything on this earth, that’s so fucked up.

We all fear the unknown, I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t own that fear in some way.  And why wouldn’t they?

I have many fears, especially fears about the future, which is funny because none of it has actually happened.  Unless I somehow get to the place I fear all by myself.  I’m very good at that.  My shrink call its ”healthy” to be fearful, or I wouldn’t be human or some shit like that.

There are people who are optimists and able to live in the now, then people like me who are so good at really thinking the worst things at all times.  I’m talking real obscure shit.

Like if I was in a plane crash, I’m afraid of how cold the water would be.  I call it optimistic pessimism.  I am optimistic enough to assume I will survive, you know, a plane crash, but   then impending doom of pain awaits.  I hate to be cold.

I probably should stop writing now.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

I need some wind to get me sailing, so it’s the storm that I believe in.

Post soundtrack: You’re the storm – The Cardigans

An important lesson I’ve learned in the path to become superwoman.  Is that you can’t control outcomes, but you sure as fucking hell can control how you act.

Now, re-read that last line again carefully, and make sure you understand.

You will, as I have done many, many fucking times.  Mix two very different concepts up as being one of the same.

There is a huge difference between;

How you feel

and

How you act.

You need to find out by yourself, what areas in your life you want to combine those two.

This to me is a concept I find is of great priority in my life and the path of personal growth.

I have a sensitivity chip that goes off like popcorn’s poppin in the microwave.   And I want to be aware of the distinction between what I feel at a certain moment versus what I feel is important to me. I want to be able to recognize and welcome distracting emotions, have them inside, nurture the bad emotions.  Knowing they will go away. Not letting a insecurity or situation make me act out, but instead being aware that it’s there. Allowing it, not reacting to it and then move on with me.

For my reaction to be, not to act upon my emotion but being aware of it.  That is how you control your actions.

I’ve become relatively good (I said, relatively, Note that please) at controlling my behavior (Mostly temper).  I’ve learned to ignore some of the everyday insignificant things that comes in and out, without letting it get into to me and distract my mind.

Yet sometimes I just can’t control on how I want to act, I just blow out of epic fuckin proportions faster than I can retract.

I want to be the best version of me possible, to make sure I’ve explored what it is to truly BE.  I am already this person, you are also already that person.

But you will never stop learning in life, NEVER.  Learn to recognize when the sides of yourself come out that doesn’t make you feel good and creates a toxic environment inside your body.  Accept that you behaved and thought a certain way.  But the only way to change any of that, begins with you taking responsibility for your own actions. So learn to be humble and admit you have been wrong.  We are all forever evolving and shaped by our surroundings as time passes by.

The minute you think you know it all and have it figured out, trust me will life throw you a fucking curve-balll.  So it’s important to remember that when new situations arise, you take a step back and think.  . .

Now how does the person I want to be, handle this?

You will sometimes feel emotions you want to act upon instantly, without thinking about repercussions. Then BOOM, a bucket full of semen clusterfuck.

I have always said we should not walk around holding things inside, instead just say what you mean.  Which might make us the bad person at times. That’s OK, as long as it is a part of your moral code and the person you want to be.

Say what you truly feel when you know your own moral standpoint.   Say what you feel if it makes you come closer to the best you.

BUT

If you are feeling a certain way, because it comes from a place of fear and insecurities.  YOU, have the power to choose how to behave.  All of that will be in your control.  This is when you are tested.  I admit there are several situations, where you let a situation get the best of you before you have actually had time to asses it.

People who like myself act upon impulse, will often find themselves reacting emotionally, momentarily. I really don’t like to behave like this. I don’t like it when the weak sides of myself appear and my emotions clouds the moral compass of who I am.  Because I know I can be better.   And you can bet your arse on that I really do work everyday to separate an emotion coming in the way of me.

So when I have reacted emotionally, my test as a person is how I choose to proceed with my actions.  People who wish to see you succeed will see how you are working and trying. While some might stay in  the clouds and remain fogged by your emotional outbursts.  Which is a shame, because they won’t see the real you.

I like to think of it like this.

I am the sun.

I shine bright, I’m hot and make all things wonderful.  I make things come alive.  Emotions and obstacles come in forms of wind and clouds.  And sometimes those clouds will create a thunderous storm or rain like a mother bitch.  This will happen to you throughout your life. Obstacles will come and go.  BUT you are not in fact not your emotions. They are just a feelings. They are not constant.  The sun is constant, YOU are constant.

So try next time a storm is coming.  Allow the clouds to come in, but learn recognize and separate the sun from the clouds.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, there is so much character in how you redeem yourself after a storm.  This is how you ACT is in your control and you can become super-you.

Retribution is a beautiful thing. Make sure that when that storm passes, you make up for it.  That you shine and show who you are.  What the sun is capable of. That you can make the earth move, beautiful things grow and create a beautiful world because of you, the sun.

Some days are harder because of winds.  But never let that discourage you or take over the sun.

Because it can’t.

End credit soundtrack

Don’t let the sun go down on me
Although i search myself, it’s always someone else i see
George Michael and Elton John

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You don’t have to feel like a waste of space You’re original, cannot be replaced

Post soundtrack: Firework by Katy Perry (such a good fucking power song)

I never quite understood the notion of having to be “strong.”  I mean this in the sense that, from when we are young we are taught that hard people, are strong people.  They project this sense of self-composure at all times.  Because that is what we are taught is the right behavior.

I just have this feeling it must be very lonely living your life always so “appropriate.”

The root of all insecurities is the fear of being alone.  That you have no one on your team.  They say we all die alone, but I believe that to be one of the saddest statements ever.

The most rewarding gift life can give you, is knowing you are apart of a team and being reminded how important your position is. That when you take on whatever task, you won’t feel alone, because there there is no doubt you always have a team behind you.

Growing up I was never a team player, I never did sports that required to work as a team. In fact all my activities was some sort of lone activity.  I have come to realize, I have a strong need to feel apart of something.  To be reminded that my role is of significance.

You will learn that a real team, is a place where you can always go for encouragement when you are in unfamiliar territory.  A place that will give you tough love and make sure you work out to become the stronger athlete in life.  That if you were to stumble or get lost in your path, your team will pick you up and make sure to put you on the right track.

You need teamwork in your family, your workplace, your friends and love life.  Because when we are faced with some of the challenges life throws our way.  The most secure feeling is knowing you have a team to fall back on.  That even when you have to do something by yourself, there is a team of coaches and cheerleaders having your back and wanting the best for you.  We all need cheerleaders.

I can never say this enough.  You need to cheer people on all the time. The happiness you can bring to someone by just simple encouraging words, can really change a persons sense of worth.

We might be in the middle of our game, tired and uninspired to move on.

The encouragement from someone cheering you on is priceless.  You can never tell a person enough how much you appreciate their existence of being, that you are happy they exist, that what they are doing is great.

You often hear the saying.  Act now before it’s too late. This is true.  But to me, you should act now because you will give such encouragement to another human being.

No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted. It’s such a great saying. No matter how confident you are of whatever path you are on, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. You should every single day, your family members, friends and loves feel are reminded of their importance. No matter in what form or gesture.  Because if it’s one thing I know, is that we are so good at forgetting that we in fact are not alone.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I’m just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.

Post Soundtrack: Don’t let me be misunderstood – Santa Esmeralda

One of the most important lessons I have learned, is what they always preach out about in movies and day time talk shows.

Communication.

Communication should be your most important value, no matter what area in your life.

What I also learned is that most of us are scared of communicating.  Something that really puzzles me, because it should be so easy.  Yet it seems to be the hardest task we all endure.  Fuck me, I think I’m good at it, but somehow every time I seem to communicate something that involves emotions, it comes out all kinds of bat-shit-cray.

Listen, we all have flaws and problems we struggle with internally. I feel most people spend so much time hiding their flaws.  That’s what creates clusterfucks communication.

Instead, what we all are fucking world champions at is presumption.

Oh, how presumption is the mother of all fuck ups.

Presumption of how we feel a outcome should be.  We forget that the rest of the world is in fact, not us.  Personally I do this all the time, I forget that no one actually knows how it is to be me. Instead I presume they know, and when the outcome is something I’m not pleased with, shit goes cray.

Communication fucking breakdown.

Here comes a fucknut of irony.  I can with effortless skill, expose every part of myself in writing.  Yet, I am convinced people will always run from me if they really saw all sides of me. That’s quite sad thinking really

Everything feels it comes out wrong with all the wrong emotions.

This is maybe the curse of a woman.  You see us women have this wonderful way of trying to communicate what we want, all while acting completely fucking insane.   Insight comes waaaaaaaaay later and by then the damage has already been done, and we cannot retract.  Women are wired on impulses.  We are incapable of holding in emotions, so we act out in the most bizarre ways.

When the solution to it all, is saying

“I have a problem with this because…..”

So I have this list for everyone to remember.

  1. Sometimes our message comes out wrong
  2. No one wants to admit they are wrong, it’s fucking hard.
  3. When someone does admit they are wrong. Know that took strength from them and should not be further punished.
  4. Do not judge.  Respect what someone is trying to say, even though how much we disagree. Because we are so afraid to be judged we do not communicate our true feelings.  This usually leads to some projectile vomit of emotion consisting of either; Crying, screaming, passive aggressiveness or sarcasm.  If you are “lucky” you get all in one blender.
  5. Let actions speak for themselves, pay attention to them.
  6. Never be afraid to ask anything. Seriously, ASK!
  7. Always let people know they are important. There is never too much reminding how wonderful or grateful you think of someone.

Everyday you will be tested in some area in life. You will always be tested and it will come in the most unpredictable of situations. What matters here is how you own and step up to the situation. This is where you need to know what your core values are, and one of those should always be the willingness to understand and communication.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If she says she can do it. Then she can do it, she don’t make false claims. But she’s a Queen, and such are queens

Post soundtrack: Queen Bitch by David Bowie

Every time I read “Letters to a young poet” I get so inspired to write again.  My hands itch and I love it.

I’ve been on the verge of a breakdown of sorts lately.  The tiniest things set me off.

I cry, I loose my shit, cry again, laugh, get excited and then it all goes around again. Oh, am I a treat some days.   It stems from stress, fears and all those places that brings out the worst in people.

There are many new aspects happening at once in my life right now it is overwhelming. It’s nothing serious, I’m just learning to juggle and adding more balls.

THATS-WHAT-SHE-SAID.

I’m adding all these new situations to my life while trying to keep calm.

By the way, that whole ‘keep calm and carry on poster.’  It’s stupid. Of course we all should keep calm.  But what’s so fricking wrong with just saying it???

I think it’s one of the biggest struggles for most people.  Is the misconception of the message you are trying to convey to the world.  It comes out wrong.

There is no denial that many people who don’t really know me, consider me a complete psycho bitch; evil and maybe even conniving. I fully accept and I am aware of that.  On the other side, I am also the most compassionate, understanding, loving and most importantly honest person.

We are so afraid to become the “bitch” because no wants to be the bitch.  We want to be thought of as the one with the purest heart and intentions. The hippie that just keeps saying love each other.

Ironically I do end most my mails with peace and love.

Most of us mask ourselves under this false pretense, because God forbid we let people into our mind to see what we really think.

Listen up people.  To say exactly what and how you feel to the people who surround you, no matter how wrong it sounds.  IT’S OK!!   Because if they judge you for it, they are not giving their best intention back to you. If they disagree, GOOD, we need people to learn new perspectives from. That’s what it’s about, starting a line of communication.

(Of course there is a time and place for everything, but that’s a whole other topic I will get into in another post.  I’m not telling you to say fuck off to your boss or anything.  But do speak up)

To be honest, you can trust a bitch more than a person who always gives you sunshine smiles up the ass. There are bitches and there are bullies,  it’s a big difference.

There is no fault in feeling things others might seem absurd and wrong. You feel what you feel, no one can control that.  We all come from different pasts that shapes our behavior. This is, what life is.

How can there be any evolvement as a human being if you wont let your guard down? You gotta open your fucking mouth and say it.

This, is very important.

When you do speak your mind about something.  Always remember where the other person stands, they do not have the same background as you.  They might not see it the way you see it and think you are the one being ridiculous. If something is upsetting you, try to express your will of a solution.  There must be respect of feelings. But the other party might not completely understand your standpoint at all.

Here is a newsflash. YOU, can be wrong. IT’S OK!

You will only grow when you face that. We all forget that the world is not just us.

I mean don’t we all think we know whats best???

I know I don’t know what’s best, I just know how I feel.  Because I don’t know best, I speak my mind.  So try to learn to stand in another persons shoes. If you fail on this, if you hold on to pride too much and refuse to compromise.  There will never be peace.

I do not choose some of the things I do, I work very fucking hard to do what I know in my mind is right, but fuck is my emotions stronger than my head.

I’m actually a beautiful wonderful person, I’m proud to say that. I know that because my life is surrounded by great people.  It’s a testament that I have been a good friend. I believe it’s because I have ALWAYS said exactly how I feel, while also seeing the standpoint from the other side.

It is not easy to be a bitch. But I have realized that the path on becoming a strong person, you need to stand up and speak your mind.  Again, this is where the misconception of a bitch and confidence gets mixed up.  I do not want to be cruel, I do not wish harm onto anyone. It just comes out that way.

The reason I am this outspoken is because I wish for peace and understanding, I wish for communication.  I can’t do that by throwing peace signs and hearts everywhere.  I can do it by expressing myself and have the will to understand.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I’m every woman…

Post Sountrack: I’m every woman by Whitney Houston

A few years ago I would bust out a blog post daily. Conveying whatever feeling I was experiencing that particular day.  I still love writing with a passion, I will always be a writer at heart.  But find myself not able to write everyday.  Probably because I feel I want to put out a bunch of minutia of things that might not really matter anymore.

I also know the difference of writing something with meaning vs. this is how I feel today.

There was a clear pattern in the past that when I was broken in any area of my life, I would projectile emote instantly.  It was highly entertaining I know, of the deep levels of crazy fuck I would go to.

Oh, the mess I would spew out! I still spew mess. . .but with a different awareness.

Lately there has been a clear change, I think it’s because I’m finally comfortable with who I am. Including knowing I am not always a good person, that can take pleasure in it. That I have insecurities and faults that leads me to be self-deprecating or call attention to myself.

I have thoroughly enjoyed becoming a woman, the woman I always wanted to be.  You might find that several posts from the past is missing on this blog, the bat-shit-cray ones, but it wasn’t fair to the people involved.  I still have a strong need for expression and attention.  Something I learned is a natural apart of being a woman.  Something I learned is who I AM.  It’s OK to want attention, it’s OK to ask for it. It’s OK for the fragile woman to be reminded of love.

I know I act like how I am sometimes because of all the fucked up things I experienced as a girl in my 20s, the things I didn’t know how to deal with.

I find myself now wanting to share deeper things of what it means to truly become a woman, the lessons I learned.

I have come to understand that women love tearing other women down. I also learned men are very blind to the incredibly despicable mind of how we can really be towards each other.  Fuck me, are you guys completely blind sometimes.  The snipes and satisfaction we get to have this urge to “win” and prove something to one another.

Women tear each other down instead of building each other up, we have absolutely no respect for each other.  In the world of social media, women are evil masterminds on clusterfucking up another woman’s mind.  All with it seeming “innocent.”

There is almost always a hidden message in a social media post.  This message is a language only women will understand.  How do I know this? Cause I invented the game of calculating ninja bombs.  Our hands are clean, but somehow it still gets to where it’s supposed to and we fuck up another persons mood. I know how wrong that is.  But we just can’t help ourselves,.  It is wrong, but I know it is and try to better myself.  I am aware of every bad thing I do, I even sometimes take pleasure in it. I just can’t help myself.

If  as a female you find yourself now saying

“I have no idea what she is talking about. I’m not like that”

Then I’m sorry to inform you that you are not a woman yet.  You are too proud to admit that you in fact at times can be a calculating person who takes satisfaction on making other girls loose their shit.  Ladies do not think for a second we can’t see it.  Us women see it all.

We have this ability to become obsessive with one another.  I find that I myself have struggled with this a lot.  I still do, but I fight everyday to resist.  It all stems from our insecurities.

I write this today because at the moment, so many of my girlfriends are going through these silent wars with other women.  I will admit that I am sending a message with this post. It bares no cruelty, no satisfaction, but a plea instead. A reality.

Last year I had so much hatred and anger in me, I was incapable to love.  I was too busy trying to find faults in someone else and proving myself to be better.  It wasn’t up until recently that I realized that the person in question was fighting the same fight with herself.  So I let go, I surrendered. I was sick of the hatred and what it did to me, it didn’t make me proud of who I was.  I admitted that I had intentionally been cruel and received pleasure from it. That I intentionally was trying to make her mad.  When we were both able to admit we both had been insecure,  a bond between women I think only we can understand formed, we were on the same side now.  I found that to be a beautiful experience.

It’s when I truly let go of the fight I found I no longer had this urge to prove myself, instead I was in peace.  There was no inferior feeling of winning, it was just peace.

Women are more competitive with each other than you can ever imagine. We really love to prove to other women something.

I wrote on my instagram today that everyday my goal is to be the woman I would be proud of myself to be.  I have many issues and I’m far from perfect, I’m a woman, and no one is perfect.  I would make rash decisions in the past that were triggered by my very hot emotional temper, I would judge easily.  I have learned as a woman to accept responsibility for my actions, to admit my intent was not pure.  To humbly and gracefully acknowledge when I have done wrong.  To have the womanly courage to sincerely apologize of things I did, as well as have the strength to forgive and hold no grudges.  Only then can I truly become a lady.

I have a temper that erupts like a volcano.  I still act like a high-school girl who bitches to my friends, I don’t want to.  But again, it’s apart of being a woman.

I erupt on a daily basis.  I still find myself acting way too fast and not stepping back to assess the situation and intent.  I’m learning that this will never go away, I will always be insecure.  I’m lucky to have someone in my life who let’s me break into complete bat-shit-crazy mode from screams to tears.

But it’s my girlfriends that really know how to lift me up.  I have learned to reach out to them, to ask them for support, it is the most beautiful experience when you feel pure sincereness  from your friends.  As women they know exactly what you feel, and don’t judge your faults.  Even when I’m wrong, they tell me straight to my face I’m being stupid.

It’s OK to admit you are weak, because your girlfriends will lift you up like no one else.

I’m still learning to be a woman, but I also with this humbly admit I have not been nice, but this works two ways. Think about it :)

Much love

your Tambourine Queen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in A girls mind, aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I stand up and I’m searching for the better part of me . . .

Post soundtrack: Superwoman by Alicia Keys

I was never a good ball player, in fact I would usually be the last one picked when it came to ball games.  When it comes to the ball game of life, I have been thrown many curve-balls over the years.

Some have been good, some have been bad.  All I know is that they completely disrupted the way I thought I was heading.

I sit here in my old bedroom at my parents house.  I never thought at 33 I would be moving back to my parents, but it’s only temporary.   I will move on to somewhere else.

I don’t know if the longer you are in the game of life, the better  you get at those unexpected curve-balls.  I do know I have grown tremendously, then some parts of me remains that insecure little girl who thinks she will fail at everything.  When the truth is, the little girl rejects to see her accomplishments.  It’s so easy to get stuck in fear and doubt.

I often find myself not proud of some of my actions, yet I keep repeating them, it’s one of those things I will never understand. As much as I try to improve in certain areas, sometimes you just feel you can’t rise above anything. As a woman that is important to me. To rise above myself.

Life guarantees you that you will be making major decisions, every now and then you are given the chance to do something of big change and you know it will affect your whole way of living.  I’m at that point, when I want something and I’m fully in, there is no room for doubt.  Still I can’t help but feel that I will fail.  That is quite a sad way of thinking really. . .

Because I know if we have no doubt, work fucking hard, you will not fail.

Posted in my-so called life | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored

Post soundtrack: Faint by Linkin Park

I was watching breaking bad, catching up on some old episodes.  There is a scene where Lydia is frustrated and angry.  She goes into her office, shuts the blinds and screams loud into a pillow.

What a relief. . . I thought it was just me who did that.

But then I thought, wouldn’t the world be better off if all women always had a screaming pillow by their side?  Or at least the ones who have mild temper issues like myself, the short fuse that can go off in any second.

See, I’ve mastered the art of smiling it away, my anger that is.  To shut the fuck up.  Because in most situations if I really spoke my mind and start screaming like I want to, I think even Kanye would run and hide.  If I had a screaming pillow, I could just scream into it.  I think the world would be a better place if women got to release their pent up anger at times.

I can make a pocket pillow that acts like a airbag.  Like a powder compact, when you open, out comes the pillow.  Screaming can be extremely calming at times, well the moment after you scream because you are so exhausted, you actually become calm.  This pocket airbag can also work as a punch bag, as I think hitting something hard can also be very therapeutic.

Fuck I’m a genius

Posted in I am fucking awesome | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I look at the world and I notice it’s turning, while my guitar gently weeps

Post soundtrack: While my guitar gently weeps – George Harrison and Eric Clapton

Yesterday I said I’m back for a new season of blogging and there will be no more sappy emotional outburst posts.

Fuck me, did that change fast. I have two things on my mind today, one saddens me, one enrages me.

A normal day like a Monday can suddenly change a person life, constantly things are happening around the world that in this very second will change a persons life for good or worse.

Someone truly unique and special in our art community sadly passed away this morning.  He was not a close friend, but friend enough that we would chat at parties, high five and share same group of friends.  He was such a kind and gentle soul.

He fought, but the angels wanted him.  When a young soul goes too soon, it’s always tragic.  All passing’s are, but it’s the ones you knew had so much more to give the world, the ones who didn’t even have time to discover their limit.  When they are taken too soon, you are reminded so easily how fragile we all are.

I don’t want to make this post about me, but it’s frightening.  My friend who passed, was taken by a undercurrent at a beach.  That same beach took me 14 years ago.  I was 19 and spent 20 minutes fighting to get back to the surface and not let the waves keep dragging me under.  I remember waking up at the beach, a boy on a body board with a rope attached had come to get me.  My friend was sadly not a strong swimmer and it scares me knowing how strong that current is.

The beautiful thing though, is seeing the out pour of love from everywhere.  What impact a person can truly have and move others.  These are sadly the things we will never know people feel about us most often, until it’s time to say goodbye.

My second thing today is something that makes me sick and skin boil.

There was a family living near my parents house who over the weekend moved back to England.  Normal thing for an expat family to do right?  Pack up and return home.

The only thing is, they left behind, at their empty fucking house, 3 dogs.  3 innocent dogs, left to starve.  I can’t even begin to fathom the mind of such cruel beings! There are so many other options than leaving 3 dogs to starve to death.  Such lazy and irresponsible people deserve to fucking feel pain and misery.  I’m sorry, even if they had an emergency, they can still contact shelters and even ask people to help find a new home.  My parents are currently feeding them, since they have a cat they can’t really take them in, but maybe.

I just can’t get over it, how a human being, a whole fucking family, can do such to such creatures who has been loyal to them for years.  Human beings are the worst animal of all. They say animals lack empathy, but trust me, they know when they have been abandoned.  They have feelings.  There is a part of me that want to take in every stray and abandoned dog in the universe, that’s what I’d do if I had say Bill Gates kind of money.

I’m so mad, I would scream and taunt them if I knew where the family is, trust me I will find out.

OK I’m done now.  I will keep updated about the dogs.  If anyone wants to adopt them, let me know.  In Bangkok or overseas, there are ways.

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hello it’s me . . .

Post soundtrack:  Hello it’s me by Todd Rundgren

I still exist.  I also keep hearing “What happened to that blog of yours?”

I think I work like TV shows, which is in seasons.

I need a break to live, inspired, feel and all that hoopla.  I was actually thinking of starting up a new blog, like a clean slate! Fresh start kind of thing.

Then I thought, well that food blog of yours hasn’t really gone anywhere has it?

So I’m back here, for now!

I suddenly have that urge to write for creativity sake and not because I’m in the fucking gutter or anything. Cause I’m not, in fact I’m quite happy with life, give and take a few issues here and there. So now we can get back to me writing whatever the fuck I want and not have it to be about feeeeeeeeeeeeelings.  I’m not in that state at the moment.

I’m more in the state where I want to get back into my writing, to get better at telling stories.  The challenge of coming up with a post.

I’m also going to use as much commas as I want.  Apparently, I have an obsession of using commas ,,,,,,,,, or so I’ve been told, you know who you are.  *May be old co-workers….or maybe not.*

So here I am, lying in my pillow fort, pillow forts are amazing and I dont understand why more people don’t build a pillow fort to sleep in.  Two pillows are so boring.

Wow, what really load of crap this post was.  I am getting fucking rusty with my writing, I used to be able to write anything at the top of the moment.  Crap, this is not going the way I planned in my head.  I had a glorious funny post in mind that would make people laugh and go…”OH, how we missed you..” I would say so far that is a fail.  But at least I linked a video to Todd Rundgren in the 70s wearing some Lady Gaga stuff.

Cheerio….I need to sleep on this.

Posted in Random | 1 Comment

Just look into your heart my friend, that will be the return to yourself. The return to innocence

Post soundtrack: return to innocence by Enigma

What happened to innocence and finding yourself?

I remember a time when there was so much in this world I was protected from, so much I still had to learn.  There were things I was shielded from or banned to do because my parents wanted to protect my innocence.

Something I didn’t quite understand back then.  Sure I was a normal teenager who grew up sneaking cigarettes behind school and getting drunk on weekends.  But there was a certain safety net there as well.

The world has no filter anymore, there is nothing we are shielded from.  There is nothing that is too soon.   People are experiencing things I did at 18 by the time their 14.  The world is trying to move by too fast.  The 7 year itch has become the 3 year itch. Everything is just cut shorter and shorter the more options we have.  It’s so sad.

I’m quite sad to see that so many people give up the fight to search for who they really are, like women in this city.  By the time they are 25 all of them are almost clones of each other.  Same hair, make-up, plastic surgeon, clothing style.

You don’t know who you are at 25, but how are you going to find out if all you do is follow the mold of everyone else?

I was trying to have a conversation with someone who was 22.  She was really grown up, she could hold the conversation without a doubt. But at the same time I thought “you are too young to be living this lifestyle.”  Maybe because I didn’t get to fully enjoy that time in my life, I was in a rush to grow up.  It’s overrated.

Take your time people. Don’t be in such a rush to get somewhere and to be someone, build yourself.  Character takes time to build, I’m not even done yet.

I’m learning the beauty of trying to find innocence again in the small things, taking things in life slow.  Enjoying the moments without rushing.  You can see everything so much better when you slow down.

Posted in aging, Bangkok | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here. Here comes the sun and I say it’s alright.

Post soundtrack: Here comes the sun by George Harrison

It’s wonderful, I can feel a new season is coming in my fingertips  Well OK so it’s hot as fuck at the moment, but it’s more a metaphoric change of season.

I feel like I have lived in a long dark winter forever, but now the sun is out and everything is just wonderful.  Life is wonderful and I find myself extremely content with life.  I think for people like me who have wallowed in a dark place for a long time, grasp that energy even more when it finally comes.  My life is very rich at the moment, rich with friends, social gatherings and everyday laughter.

I have finally closed the chapter on the year that passed, suitable since it’s rounding up to a year since it all fell apart.  That exhilarating feeling of closing that book, put it down it down and move on to the next chapter is beautiful.  I also started to see again how beautiful I really am as a human being, feels like I have reunited with an long lost friend.

Hope you reading this can feel my energy and feel the wonderful change of season.

Posted in Bangkok, I am fucking awesome | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do and it’s breakin’ my heart in two

Post Soundtrack: Wild World by Cat Stevens

It never seizes to amaze me how completely clueless people can get when it comes to insensitivity, respect and just appropriateness.

Do you ever wonder if sometimes people do things on purpose because no one can be that clueless in certain situations?  Especially when just comes to common decency, those are the ones that always throws me off with human beings.  Like, did that person really just do that?  I thought that person was smarter and knew better, behaved better bla bla bla

You have certain areas in your life that you need to separate from each other. Like some people, never mingle work and social life.  Some never take work home, just rules in general of keeping your life separate and having boundaries.

I been setting up new boundaries and rules myself, some which have been particularly challenging for me and is still quite hard.  But the important thing is that I’m doing it.  I feel people around see what I’ve been doing as well and many are amazed at the huge steps I have made.  I’m almost acting like a graceful lady.  It’s just when people suddenly step over your boundaries and just brings another world into your world that you get a bit confused. A clash of boundaries.  They should have known better after seeing everything I did to set up all these things.

It wasn’t a big deal, but then again it was.  Today I experienced something similar to that.   I have my world, my absolute safe haven where everything I love the most in the world is placed, this is my most precious place and the people I invite into this part of my world is friends and people I trust.

I was thoroughly disappointed when someone wanted to bring something into my world which I don’t want to have any part of, associate with and especially come into my the place where I feel most safe.

Just because I act one way when I am out public, it is because I’m a lady and like I said, some people can work great together in business, but want nothing to do with each other privately.  Well, that is what I have with my social world and my private world.  Socially I will be nice, but privately I need respect and I was so baffled of the audacity and nerve someone was gonna do today, which would have invaded my safe haven.

It sounds very dramatic and I prefer not to tell the story, because that way you as a reader might find a situation you can relate to instead, also it’s my way of keeping it private.  Plus you would think it’s the silliest thing when if I were to tell the story, but it doesn’t matter, what matters is that it’s important to me.  Anyway, I think my friend got the point, I hope so, if they don’t understand then clearly clueless.

Everyone needs a place where things they love dearly  will always be out of reach and protected from people you don’t want in your life. You hold on to the things you can control and have, because you realize there is almost nothing you can control in this life.  So while I still can, what is most precious to me in my life right now will remain.

Posted in Bangkok, dumbasses, friends | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If we met tomorrow for the very first time would it start all over again?

Post Soundtrack: Simple kind of life by No Doubt

I watched the movie “This is 40″ last night, if you watched knocked up, it’s the couple who played the sister of the knocked up girl.

May I just say, I urge all couples to see this movie.  One, it’s really funny and because it’s all so true. I found myself laughing thru the movie because I have found myself in every single scenario in that movie.

I think every couple who live together will get a relief watching a movie like this, to be honest I really wish this movie came out a year ago right about this time.  I really could have used it then.  It’s really well made, because it won’t make you feel stressed.  It will actually make you look at everything in a comedic way, that the things we sometimes make a big deal out of is actually quite silly. That we forget to focus on what is actually there.

OK, so I cried when I finished watching the movie.  Not because it was sad, but because I feel I missed it.  I mentioned in my last post I missed having someone to talk to.  Well watching that movie, I actually miss having someone to be pissed off at.

I miss throwing my stupid tantrums at times that just didn’t make sense, now that I look back they make me smile.  Because they meant nothing.

The movie is a comfort that you are not alone, that the problems you hit when you live with someone is completely normal.  The fact you want to murder your partner, be repulsed, yell at them, be annoyed and want to be as far away as possible from them is in fact normal.  That when you think

“What do we even have in common and doing together??”

It is all part of the whole deal and no matter what you can’t escape that, it’s all a process you have to go through.

You all really should watch this movie.  If you ever come to this point in your life with someone you care about and spending your life with, please know it’s perfectly normal.  All girls are like Debbie, I know so many girls including myself who are exactly like Debbie.  Fighting to keep the passion.  I know many men like Pete, too busy with their new business and their careers, forgetting to take care of home. So many boys I know are like this, not knowing that nothing is in fact wrong and running away it will only happen again.

It’s a very funny movie, with lots of r rated jokes that includes sex and f words, my kind of jokes.  I love a woman who is real and shouts fuck you. That’s what real women do.

Posted in love, men and women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment