Post Soundtrack: Just a girl by No Doubt
So let me tell you a story about an evil human being. Someone who owns no empathy, no compassion an empty vessel filled with vindictiveness.
The last 3 months, actually, lets just put all of 2015 in the clusterfuck tumbler. I’ve mentioned how I’ve had certain situations from my past that still lingers till this day resurface. A woman’s worst nightmare. My life in general has never been normal, and genetically I was given the gift of addiction and depression. So just for fun, I added on self-destruction to the cocktail to really get the juggernaut going. Yet somehow, no matter how low and dark my realm of inner self would enter. Wherever my bearings might have been and whatever shit was thrown my way. I would always rise from the ashes, like a phoenix reborn. It takes a lot strength to not give up hope, and there have been times where it was close, real close, but that’s where my friends come in.
I can tell you that I’m proud of how I can say, I’ve always reached the destinations I wanted to go to in my career, but didn’t necessarily complete them. I got on the plane, but never got to first class. It’s like my life has been a vinyl of 5 tracks that’s been on repeat in an endless circle, the needle always stuck on repeat. It compiles and you start to loose faith in yourself, in your dreams. Especially when you’re told to live in reality and have realistic visions by the people you love, who are supposed to support your dreams. And I never lived in reality. According to The secret language of birthdays (Also for relationships. Always spot on, so good.) I’m born on the day of trusted abstract structure. Where the highlighted adjective traits of this day is: Conceptual, sensitive, giving, diffuse, withdrawn, lonely, soulful, intimate, graceful, reclusive, disappointed, suffering, service‑oriented, caring, observant, narcissistic, pessimistic, escapist. I would say that describes me very accurately with a bow tie nicely wrapped around it. It then goes into a more elaborate description about your personality, and yes, you must do this if you have a romantic interest, it’s fascinating. Stalkerish creepy on the highest level, but seriously, we’re all creepy stalkers.
I stood up for myself last month, I did the right thing as I experienced how it really feels for a woman to work in a corporate business world filled with many men who still have this notion of repressing women to nothing. Making sure my voice was muted, when I raised my opinions I was ignored. But I sucked it up that’s what Sheryl Sandberg was going on about in her Lean In book. Yet, I was never a corporate person. I could do it, play the part, do the tasks. But I’m an artist at heart. Having led the life I did the past, I can easily understand why some must have certain presumptions of my character. Example, when you google my name, the first thing that comes up is a FHM cover shoot. I learned many men might love to look and talk to FHM girls. But they do not think they have a brain. And they would never guess a FHM cover girl would know how to calculate and monetize, whilst knowing the difference of a CPM, CPA and CPC for a marketing campaign. I mean look at her, half naked, showing cleavage in a laddy mag, surely I have no respect for myself and no brain. Ignorant fuckers.
I learned what it takes to be a real boss. A real boss doesn’t consider himself a boss. No, a real boss he is a leader. I was so lucky to have that experience, to have a leader who believed in me and took his time to teach, inspire and push the absolute best out of me when I was on the edge of creative insanity, when I didn’t see my own potential. Oh, the fights. I would be shouted at, yet it was with respect and because I knew, that he knew I could do better. Then, we would go out forget business and have a drink. A true boss, a leader will inspire you to do your best and you feel respected. He would bring me on board on many projects, because we worked well together and he believed in me. I will forever be grateful to that man, and if you’re reading this. You’re a dick. (Yes, that’s an inside joke.)
Enter the tyrant who became my subordinate to replace my mentor, who went on to other ventures to take over the world. Well the tyrant was on the opposite side of the spectrum of what a boss should be. In fact there is no spectrum in that man, because a spectrum has light, this was just pure darkness, a total eclipse. A ignorant fuck.
NOTE: I don’t know anything about his background, so I know there must be a reason he behaves like this. That’s what we all must remember, you don’t know where the other person is coming from. I tried to put myself in his shoes, I really did, but this one made it impossible to see where the fuck he was coming from and why he did the things he did.
The tyrant made the presumption that I knew nothing about marketing. I might not have much experience corporate wise. But let me tell you something, working in entertainment is all about marketing. My mentor could see that and knew it could be of use, so he guided me.So to the tyrant fuck you, you tyrant asshole for saying I know nothing. Should I be name-calling him all these things? Oh, fuck yes. In fact the name calling he said about me to my face and behind my back were just so disrespectful. If this was in ANY country in Europe or the US. FUCK! Would I be rewarded millions if I sued him.
So what could he possibly have done to make me this irrational?
Yes we fought. So much to a point I sat him down to work out our issues. Lots of name calling from his side, which I can prove. Nonetheless, I thought I was being responsible and made sure there was harmony in our work environment. Then I asked for one specific thing from my boss; To respect my space, ESPECIALLY my personal physical space. Because I was still suffering from PTSD and I don’t like being close to people I don’t trust, especially men. For me to do my job, to do my best work, I must be given space. I told him, that sometimes he comes up and sits too close to me. I don’t like to feel or smell his breath and it makes me very uncomfortable to work. While it also brings out some very harrowing memories. I asked him to be mindful during this period, and I will let him know when he needs to back off.
Thinking everything was OK, I went about my way. WOW! I could not have been more wrong. The very next fucking day, after our 25 minute previous conversation on THIS very topic. Tyrant comes over and sits down right next to me, I’m talking no space between chairs, as slowly he leans in, when the following conversation takes place:
Me: Uhm, what are you doing? *( Feeling a little uncomfortable. I move my chair away, as well as my laptop.)
Tyrant: I’m going to watch you work and see you’re capable of doing this. *(Takes my laptop back and sits himself closer.)
Me: You know what we talked about yesterday? NOW! You have to give me space, this is exactly what I was talking about.
Tyrant: NO! We are doing this together.
Me: Please, don’t treat me like a child. I am begging you to go back to your desk and I will come over when my work is done for final approval.
Tyrant: I am your boss, I can sit wherever the fuck I want and we are doing this together because I want you to show me how you do it. *(This is when the feeling of violation completely ruptured my entire state of being. And THIS is the point where that Pandora’s box just flies open and my past revels through my skin and I start shaking uncontrollably.)
Everything I have worked years to control is boiling to the surface, my hands are shaking. I am completely trapped, the man took all control away from me and my respect at my weakest point. My PTSD kicked in so fast I could not stand up for myself, I was a scared girl again. He knew what my weakness was and he went right in, like a fucking drone. For 15 minutes I begged and pleaded for him to leave me alone. He wouldn’t comply. Instead I could feel his breath down my neck and tears were welling up in my eyes. It was lunch hour, so my usual gang was not there to help me. I am usually strong, even feared at times at the office. But because I was going through this PTSD and being reminded of a situation I’ve long buried, I felt powerless. He knew exactly what he was doing, I was shaking. Tears in my eyes, he sat still like a rock commanding my every move and commanding me to “Show me how I do it.” When I finally managed to complete the task. I was not even on earth anymore, I had left the plane of existence long ago and was working on autopilot. He slowly stood up. Looked down at me and said
“That was OK, now give me five more.”
I ran out of that office so fast and I broke down in a way I’ve never done before. Thank heavens one of my coworkers was there when the elevator door opened, cause I collapsed. Many might think right now, that I might seem like an overreacting drama queen. But I collapsed in a way only a woman who has been through abuse can truly understand. Traumas came back. I completely broke into pieces. And one by one my team came and comforted me. Shocked, as they had NEVER seen me like this, they know my strengths. These guys are my friends who I share my life with, they are friends, my team. They knew for me to fall this far, it was serious and they knew why. Regardless of what the Tyrant might not have known about my past, he knew I was almost beaten to death, he knew I was fragile. He knew I needed space and he came in like a fucking wrecking ball, destroyed me completely.
After the incident, restructuring had to be done. It cooled down a bit, but it didn’t get better. I had to work from home most days because the sight of him made me want to vomit and I went to therapy every single day. Then, after the holidays, and some time away. He decided to go there again. Drone strike two. Purposefully putting himself in a situation where he actually said the following words. “Imagine her surprise when she shows up to work tomorrow.” When I found out what he had done, moving his desk right next to mine, no space, so he could watch my every movement he said. I had enough. So I stood up for myself, against a big corporation. There are many more details I don’t care to get into. But basically they shut my voice and found a way to force me out, and I got nothing. No security, no warning, no compensation. NOTHING I was entitled to. When I mentioned the case about my boss they wanted to silence me and pushed me into a corner saying if you sign now we will give you a little bit extra for February. Yes, I talked to lawyers and I did everything I could to fight, at my level of strength. There is only so much you can take, there is only so much a woman who has endured abuse and disrespect can tolerate. Oh, and he also was convinced I was going to enter the office and kill him with a knife……yahhhh….uhmmmmm……who’s crazy? I’m smart enough to know they were not going to let me win at any costs. So I lost all my security, when I did nothing wrong, I was just fragile. I had a personal issue I’ve worked hard not to bring into work. Writing this brings so much tears to my eyes. Because business is business, it has no feelings. It does not care. So many women endure this treatment in so many various forms. I can’t stop it, but I can tell you how it feels like for a girl, in this world. (That’s a Madonna quote.)
So now, more than ever I know what my path is. You got to look at the positive, I learned something huge. I know why it is important for me to write my book on depression awareness while telling my story. For the first time yesterday I actually said with confidence, when someone asked what my occupation was. I said, I’m a writer. I have no job. So yes, I have nothing at the moment, but I do have the ultimate inner flame to work and do anything to get there and get my book out.
I’m just a girl in the world…
That’s all that you’ll let me be!
I’m just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb makes me worry some
I’m just a girl, what’s my destiny?
What I’ve succumbed to is making me numb.