Post soundtrack: Times like these – Foo Fighters
Starve the ego, feed the passion.
I’ve bee struggling to find how to combine inspiration, creativity into passion. There are things I’m highly passionate about, yet I find myself falling out of the creative cycle when a lack of inspiration hits. Like writing my book ,there are so many thoughts and concepts so clear in my mind. Yet when I my fingers are grazing over the keyboard, I end up frozen. Staring at a blank screen instead of that juice of creativity flowing through my body onto the blank canvas. I read articles on why people have writers block or that creativity block, they say it’s because of fear of failure. Which I am sure is true, but I can’t quite admit. It doesn’t mean my investment into this project has died down, it just means some days are better than others. So I walk the streets of Berlin to take in whats around, I take photos, I read, I practice my yoga, I watch series. I’ve been re-watching Mad Men, and it just reminds me how Matthew Wiener is an excellent writer, and why I love the series so much. Even though I know what happens, it still drags me in every time, and you notice the little intricacies you dint before, a new depth. That is great writing, and that to me is how writing should be. Doesn’t hurt to revisit my favorite characters as well.
A few months back I wrote about the documentary of Amy Winehouse, how it really connected with me. As I identified with her struggles of depression and ADD. Last night I watched a few documentaries and one just awoke that feeling called inspiration that instantly made my hands itch for the keyboard. I truly recommend everyone to watch As I am: The life and times of DJ AM. It woke me up, because that man had true passion, he dedicated himself to the craft he loved. Such a rich documentary of a man who revolutionized so much. He was so dedicated, giving, yet struggled everyday. I really respected his view on technology, as how I feel as well. Serato allowed him to create the mixes he always wanted, but weren’t able to before. This one great quote “All that computer shit is cool and people get that extra edge. But it’s not the soul [of DJing]…and it doesn’t mean you got flavor.”
I truly love editing my photos with all these great new tools, I get to create these visions I always wanted, yet I am still learning and I thoroughly enjoy making little videos and artsy fartsy pics. But just because you throw a filter on something doesn’t make it great photography. I remember in photography class trying to get the right picture in the darkroom. Getting the film out, making sure I did not get my fingerprints on the the film. Then processing the picture just the right amount of time in the chemical baths. I loved it and it taught me respect of great photography and those who took time to develop it. I find myself rereading my favorite sonnets and poems written centuries ago and realize, they were written by hand and dabbed by pen in ink, that time process is incredible. But it was because of this flame inside that you needed to get out, to express. This passion that you would endure anything just so the world could immerse themselves in wonderful literature. The greatest works of literature were written that way, not to forget the typewriter. When I was young all I did was write in my diaries, pages after pages, thought and feelings. No editing. Now I can copy, paste and spellcheck. Anyone can write, but to be a great writer, you need to go back into the great works. Not only will it inspire you but also open your written vocabulary and paint a more flavorful piece of writing. Whatever field you are in, I think knowing the history of the pioneers in the field is very important for you as a person to hone your ingenuity into your own expression.
DJ AM’s documentary was a portrait of a man who achieved amazing incredibly things in his profession, but most importantly it carried a message and a warning of something far more darker and dangerous. Like myself, he was struggling addict. He of course was on a much heavier path than I ever was. The struggle you face everyday when you live with addiction, to find the strength and courage to get help. Because it’s the tiniest things that can set you down that dark trail again. He suffered from a major post traumatic stress, I can’t even imagine the demons he must have dealt with. I have my own traumas that I still deal with, but the PTSD that I endure are minuscule in comparison. But, nevertheless an addict is an addict, trauma is trauma and depression is depression. No matter what your situation is, who you are, the struggle is so real. Those demons don’t care who you are, they can come for anyone regardless of race, status or sexuality. Adam genuinely wanted to be sober, I am so impressed how much he did to help young kids out. The lengths he went to get a kid to a meeting. I think he was 12 years sober of his addiction, yet he couldn’t be near any of it because that yearning would come back. That demon is evil, it sneaks up on you and just like that it will take you, like it did to him, a blink of an eye. Last year I spiraled badly, and all I wanted was to escape and numb myself. I had few vices that were my go-to substances to escape. Ambien being one of them, it got so out of control, it was the hardest thing for me to quit. That combined with my other addiction. Oh yeah, on top of the fact I still deal with my depression then of course some traumatic shit happened because of that spiral. I started going to meetings, which was huge for me. It was nerve wracking, but I did it. I came clean to my beloved ones, that was scary. I know I never want to go back there, but I get consumed by the fantasy and temptation. I am not always strong, and I have to be strong for myself. To learn self control. I am nearly 6 months sober of my demons. Learning to truly love myself has been the hardest task I’ve ever ventured upon. Because I spent so much of my life, consumed in insecurity and filling the void with things that didn’t matter, a temporary placement card of instant pleasure in materials and substances. Throwing away the opportunities people dream for, only because you have this inner fear. Fear, the mother of all fuckers. That comes in the way of most peoples dreams. This world depresses me every day when I see what is happening all around, what have we become as humans? Look at what we’ve done to the planet and to each other. So I cry when I see a video on facebook of 3 men in south America running down a flooding river to rescue a dog, then give it CPR to bring it back to life. It’s sad that I have to cry such tears of happiness for when I see people doing good deeds, when that is what we should see everywhere everyday. Yet what I see is so much fear and hatred. So to those heroes around the world, who’s gestures makes another human or creature better. I salute you, because you give me hope that maybe I too can inspire people to be the best of themselves and not be afraid.