I’m a white light blinding bright burning off and on. It’s times like these you learn to live again.

Post soundtrack: Times like these – Foo Fighters

Starve the ego, feed the passion.

I’ve bee struggling to find how to combine inspiration, creativity into passion.  There are things I’m highly passionate about, yet I find myself falling out of the creative cycle when a lack of inspiration hits.  Like writing my book ,there are so many thoughts and concepts so clear in my mind. Yet when I my fingers are grazing over the keyboard, I end up frozen. Staring at a blank screen instead of that juice of creativity flowing through my body onto the blank canvas.  I read articles on why people have writers block or that creativity block, they say it’s because of fear of failure.  Which I am sure is true, but I can’t quite admit.  It doesn’t mean my investment into this project has died down, it just means some days are better than others.  So I walk the streets of Berlin to take in whats around, I take photos, I read, I practice my yoga, I watch series. I’ve been re-watching Mad Men, and it just reminds me how Matthew Wiener is an excellent writer, and why I love the series so much.  Even though I know what happens, it still drags me in every time, and you notice the little intricacies you dint before, a new depth. That is great writing, and that to me is how writing should be.  Doesn’t hurt to revisit my favorite characters as well.

A few months back I wrote about the documentary of Amy Winehouse, how it really connected with me.  As I identified with her struggles of depression and ADD.  Last night I watched a few documentaries and one just awoke that feeling called inspiration that instantly made my hands itch for the keyboard.  I truly recommend everyone to watch As I am: The life and times of DJ AM.  It woke me up, because that man had true passion, he dedicated himself to the craft he loved.  Such a rich documentary of a man who revolutionized so much. He was so dedicated, giving, yet struggled everyday.  I really respected his view on technology, as how I feel as well.  Serato allowed him to create the mixes he always wanted, but weren’t able to before. This one great quote   “All that computer shit is cool and people get that extra edge.  But it’s not the soul [of DJing]…and it doesn’t mean you got flavor.”

I truly love editing my photos with all these great new tools, I get to create these visions I always wanted, yet I am still learning and I thoroughly enjoy making little videos and artsy fartsy pics.  But just because you throw a filter on something doesn’t make it great photography.  I remember in photography class trying to get the right picture in the darkroom.  Getting the film out, making sure I did not get my fingerprints on the the film. Then processing the picture just the right amount of time in the chemical baths. I loved it and it taught me respect of great photography and those who took time to develop it. I find myself rereading  my favorite sonnets and poems written centuries ago and realize, they were written by hand and dabbed by pen in ink, that time process is incredible.  But it was because of this flame inside that you needed to get out, to express.  This passion that you would endure anything just so the world could immerse themselves in wonderful literature.  The greatest works of literature were written that way, not to forget the typewriter.  When I was young all I did was write in my diaries, pages after pages, thought and feelings.  No editing. Now I can copy, paste and spellcheck. Anyone can write, but to be a great writer, you need to go back into the great works.  Not only will it inspire you but also open your written vocabulary and paint a more flavorful piece of writing.  Whatever field you are in, I think knowing the history of the pioneers in the field is very important for you as a person to hone your ingenuity into your own expression.

DJ AM’s documentary was a portrait of a man who achieved amazing incredibly things in his profession, but most importantly it carried a message and a warning of something far more darker and dangerous. Like myself, he was struggling addict.  He of course was on a much heavier path than I ever was.  The struggle you face everyday when you live with addiction, to find the strength and courage to get help.  Because it’s the tiniest things that can set you down that dark trail again.  He suffered from a major post traumatic stress, I can’t even imagine the demons he must have dealt with. I have my own traumas that I still deal with, but the PTSD that I endure are minuscule in comparison.  But, nevertheless an addict is an addict, trauma is trauma and depression is depression.  No matter what your situation is, who you are, the struggle is so real.  Those demons don’t care who you are, they can come for anyone regardless of race, status or sexuality.  Adam genuinely wanted to be sober, I am so impressed how much he did to help young kids out.  The lengths he went to get a kid to a meeting.  I think he was 12 years sober of his addiction, yet he couldn’t be near any of it because that yearning would come back.  That demon is evil, it sneaks up on you and just like that it will take you, like it did to him, a blink of an eye.  Last year I spiraled badly, and all I wanted was to escape and numb myself. I had few vices that were my go-to substances to escape.  Ambien being one of them, it got so out of control, it was the hardest thing for me to quit.  That combined with my other addiction. Oh yeah, on top of the fact I still deal with my depression then of course some traumatic shit happened because of that spiral.  I started going to meetings, which was huge for me.  It was nerve wracking, but I did it. I came clean to my beloved ones, that was scary.  I know I never want to go back there, but I get consumed by the fantasy and temptation.  I am not always strong, and I have to be strong for myself. To learn self control. I am nearly 6 months sober of my demons.  Learning to truly love myself has been the hardest task I’ve ever ventured upon. Because I spent so much of my life, consumed in insecurity and filling the void with things that didn’t matter, a temporary placement card of instant pleasure in materials and substances. Throwing away the opportunities people dream for, only because you have this inner fear.  Fear, the mother of all fuckers. That comes in the way of most peoples dreams.  This world depresses me every day when I see what is happening all around, what have we become as humans?  Look at what we’ve done to the planet and to each other.  So I cry when I see a video on facebook of 3 men in south America running down a flooding river to rescue a dog, then give it CPR to bring it back to life.  It’s sad that I have to cry such tears of happiness for when I see people doing good deeds, when that is what we should see everywhere everyday. Yet what I see is so much fear and hatred.  So to those heroes around the world, who’s gestures makes another human or creature better. I salute you, because you give me hope that maybe I too can inspire people to be the best of themselves and not be afraid.

 

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Does it worry you to be alone? How do I feel by the end of the day? Are you sad because you’re on your own? No I get by with a little help from my friends

post soundtrack With a little help from my friends by Joe Cocker

No other song could fit this post soundtrack more perfectly!

So this happened for my birthday

https://www.gofundme.com/tambourinequeen

How do I even begin to express the gratitude I have in my heart for the overwhelming response of people wanting to see the fruition of this book?  The people who believe, the people who understand the importance of the message I’m trying to relay to the world, and the people who just have goodness in their heart to help a girls dream come true.

And her dream is to put a face to this stigma that comes living with ADD, Depression, dyslexia and addiction. People need to understand what it really is to live your life like this, and what you can do to help a loved one, all without it getting too academically.  OK “fun” might be the wrong wording.  But something easily digestible, understandable but with a deep message in it.  In my case also while living in the spotlight, whilst destructing by myself. I mean come on, my stories of being a popsinger, model, MTV VJ, Radio jock and all that jazz has to be in there as well.  We know there are some fun behind the scenes stories there.

There are good people out there, willing to help.  When I admitted that I am broke, that was tough, but you all know why.  So my best friends knew all I wanted this year was to finally write and follow my dream. To spend hours of my day writing, to become an author of sorts.  It was hard for me to admit, and yes I am still broke.  Even though a lot of money was raised, way more than I expected.  I’m not using that fund money for personal things. It will go towards the book, which is a lot of components.

I know how my book will look like in my head, and to get that done it will cost money.  Because I want to make a beautiful book with meaning, inspiration and visually pleasing. I also need to pay a damn fucking good editor, because that poor person will have to go trough a fuckton of grammar and spelling mistakes.

If it’s one thing this campaign proved is that I have friends and I have people who love me. I have some very special people who knows how important this is to me, and will help me get this out to the world.  So Berlin here I come, where I without distractions have a bed to sleep on.  A wonderful space to write and find inspiration. The most amazing person to make sure I feel the love I deserve at the end of the day, and knows the importance of what I’m doing with full support.  2016, you have been the best.  I got everything taken away, but what I got in return was even better than I could ever ask for.  It still sucks to be broke. But the good people in my life is making sure I get food, internet, sleep and love during this new chapter in my life.

I’m still in shock, it’s the first time I can’t express enough words of gratitude.  I think this is the first and last time I will ever use the hashtag #blessed. (Ughh)  I cried so much when the donations kept coming, I still don’t quite believe it’s happening to me.  Thank you for all the donations and to those who keep it coming.  It’s a big project and any help is appreciated (Also because I just found out the processing and tax fees are fucking insane, Christ on a bike did they (GFM and Stripe) take away a lump sump, fuck a duck.)

Yes I raised the donation fund target, some might think just because the goal is reached they couldn’t give more.  There is no limit.  But also because the quality I want from this project, will cost me. I just want to make clear that it was me, and it’s not of greediness, but because I want my cause to be amazing. Anyhow, so the campaign will remain open as Nikki and Rowena has let me in on it now to take over and keep you all posted. I will keep updating my process through snapchat, here and my Offical Facebook page

Thank you all so so so much from the bottom of my heart.

Let’s help the world understand what it’s like living your life feeling so alone inside like no one understands even though you are surrounded by love.  That it is in fact a sickness, and not a state of mind, but something serious that can come from so many different circumstances. That it’s OK to reach out your hand and ask for help.

My first post this year was about how my goal is to be honest with myself, honor my feelings and be honest with everyone around me. Scary as it was, it has gotten me further than I could imagine.  So let’s not be afraid anymore.

P.S yes a part of my birthday present was getting to stay at luxury resort or in my opinion heaven on earth owned by my friend, which I have blasted all over social media. So do not think that I’m using money on luxury vacations I just have some very fortunate friends who owns beautiful amazing places.

Again. If you want to support my mission, anything will help and I will acknowledge you all in my Thank you section.

https://www.gofundme.com/tambourinequeen

also donations can be done through Pay Pal

tambourinerocks@gmail.com

 

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It ain’t me, it ain’t me; I ain’t no fortunate one, no.

  
Post Soundtrack: Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival

The last 3 weeks has been quite the rollerfuck of time travel emotions.  I went back and read through every single blog post I have ever written on this blog, and tried my best to edit them.  Let me just say. To those who have stuck with me since 2007. W-O-W you all deserve a medal of patience on my grammar.  I have always had fucked up grammar due to my dyslexia, and I know many of you get really frustrated with spelling and grammar errors. So thank you for enduring that torture these past years, but I have gotten a bit better at tripple checking my work, but even then I can’t sometime see the glaring mistakes.  That’s a great trait for a writer right there.

It’s ironic, how all of this has come together.  How again my life is going in a circle.  For years everyone has been telling me to write a book and it was always my biggest dream, yet I couldn’t feel it, it wasn’t ready.  Now I finally see it, I have it in my head. The book, the screenplay.  Sidenote. Gina and Jordan, you two are totally on my writing team if I ever get a screenplay sold.  I’m not afraid to dream, or aim high.  But I am currently feeling quite lost.  I’m not blaming me loosing my job on one man, but I am blaming how it was handled. The next few sentences are one of the most embarrassing sentences a grown person can care to admit. Because we own such pride and like I said it’s humilitaing to admit, but again, like my head doctor said. Be brutally honest this year.  Truth is, I’m  broke, I have no job.  I don’t want to go back to an office I’m miserable, I want to tell my story.  I’m actually a struggling writer. That might sound like some beautiful poetic stance, but it’s not. When I was pushed into a corner and forced to resign, I was not given my 3 month compensation. I did not foresee any of it coming.  And I have down payments and shit to pay. So I have to give up my apartment, move back home.  While trying to find some funding for my book.

I know that to write this book I need peace and no distractions, and I found the most perfect place to do so.  It is not in this city, it’s the most unexpected of all places, but it’s the most perfect place for me to write.  I have to fly there, so there is that issue, ya know tickets and shit.  Then when I’m done with it all, it’s the selling the book and getting to LA.  Many might not understand why this city is so important for me to complete my journey for this particular story that I will be telling.  But for for the old readers you know why.  So there are obstacles, but I will find a way, even tho it drives me in and out of fear and depression. It’s a weird situation, to be absolutely happy personally, beyond what I could ever imagine. Yet professionally, I’ve hit a wall that I’m trying to overcome so that I can do what it is I need and want so badly to do.

I know I’m not going through this alone, that I have very special people helping me out.  .  Yet, I just want a break. I just want to be able to not fear for my job, for my income for my future.  I know I’m not the only one who has it like this.  So many people are suffering financially these days. And it hurts me to see how this stupid thing can keep you from your path because you got bills to pay.  I see it everywhere, that fear in peoples eyes, while their dreams fade away in the back of their head.  It’s all about overcoming the fear. Accepting ourselves that we do live in fear but are doing what we can to find our way.  I believe pride is a big issue, no one past their 30s wants to admit what i just said.  Look at my life, and the places I go, I should be comfortable like the other people my age are. But no, I’m the one who screwed up.

It’s my birthday in a few days, over 10 years I’ve been writing online and every year I keep wishing for that lucky break when I blow out the candles.  Maybe I already had it and just didn’t seize it correctly. There are days I don’t believe in myself, where I think why would anyone care about what I write?  Then the days when I know how important it is that I do tell this story.  I’m so fortunate to be surrounded with great people and friends who despite my financial situation are able to give life experiences that are magical.

I’m trying and I’m not giving up, but it still doesn’t stop me from the tears for fears that I so frequently experience.

 

 

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But how do I explain? When not too many people, can see we’re all the same


Post Soundtrack: The beautiful heartbreaking song  Isn’t it a Pity by George Harrison

Thank you to those who have encouraged me to go forward after I revealed my plan of what I want to do this year.

I’m currently listening to this posts soundtrack on repeat by my personal Lord and savior George Harrison, as it very much sums up my message of what I want to say to the world.

Isn’t it a pity
Now, isn’t it a shame
How we break each other’s hearts
And cause each other pain

How we take each other’s love
Without thinking anymore
Forgetting to give back
Isn’t it a pity

Some things take so long
But how do I explain
When not too many people
Can see we’re all the same

This past week, I’ve found more people come out of their shell and open up to me about their own struggles.  Which is exactly what I want, to create a dialogue so we are not so scared of showing our true selves to the world.  This world is filled with cruelty, but someone must have the courage to stand up and say “I’m broken. I don’t know what do to, can anyone help and guide me?”  The most difficult thing a person with depression can do is actually this, ask for help.  It took me so long to have the courage to actually ask for help, I could share, but I didn’t say please help me.  At least 5 different people, from completely different walks of life has opened up to me this week, it has broken my heart.  Because I know so well how lonely that darkness feels, how scary it is to admit how broken you really are.  And how easy we self-destruct because we don’t have the foundation of  someone understanding to be there for those moments.

It’s like worst fight club there is, you are not allowed to talk about it.  So instead you suffer in isolation, when the truth is.  If all the members of self-destruct/depression club could just open up, maybe we could save the world from another person harming themselves, escaping into addiction, destroying all they’ve built up or ending it all.

There is a saying

Sticks and stones can break my bones. But words can never hurt me.

Oh yes they can. Words are the most powerful thing we have over each other.  Also, sticks and stones might break bones, but you can heal.  I’ve healed from my assault.  I have other friends who are also physically healing from accidents.  It’s the broken spirit that you cannot heal by putting it in a cast like you would a broken bone.  A soul and spirit can be broken in so many ways.  Some spirits never heal because when the moment it was first broken, someone took a piece of that spirit.  You can work years to try and glue it back together, but in my case there is a void that someone took from me and I’ve been trying to fill it ever since.  But like a jigsaw, the pieces I picked didn’t fit.  Also, because I did not have the right foundation, my spirit kept on breaking as time went on and more pitfalls would come my way.

I keep saying, you don’t know what struggles we all go through inside. I was surprised to learn of someone who to me represented a beacon of hope and and happiness, was struggling just as much as I do.  When I looked into this persons eyes I saw a broken spirit, and it just disheartened me.  But that person now has me, and no longer has to feel alone in their self-destructive ways.  I feel good about that and I hope you know I will not give up believing in your talents.  I will not push you, I will believe in you.  No more self-destruction.

Speaking of self destruction.

When you see me on social media, I have a rich social life.  I can be the life of the party, I can go on forever.  Yet secretively I’d rather be at home, reading a book.  I don’t like to get drunk, I have been abusing my own mind and body by putting things in it, just to numb it, so I don’t have to be with myself, so I have the courage to have fun.  Because I feel awkward in crowds, lost.  If you have a friend who might be partying a bit too hard, it’s most likely an escape from their own loneliness.  At least that’s what it is for me.  I like to be numb, then sleep so I don’t have to reminded of my own feelings.  If you have a friend who you think might be going a bit overboard.  Instead of shunning them and tell them to get their shit together. Be a real friend and ask them if they are running away from something, whats happening inside them, what are they afraid of? Ask!

I’m not used to living in the moment, because most people on this earth always think two steps ahead, of the consequences.  Of the patterns we know we fall into.  I think all my relationships have been based on that theory from both sides.  When we should just stop and ask ourselves; Right now am I on track on what I should be doing, of where I want to go? If the answer is yes, then just enjoy the NOW like they say. It’s a progress, but you must put in the work, there is no mathematical formula to fix your constant living in the past or fearing the future. I know I’m trying, I fail at it at times, but I’m trying.

We must start somewhere.

 

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Oh I’m just a girl, guess I’m some kind of freak, cause they all sit and stare with their eyes


Post Soundtrack: Just a girl by No Doubt

So let me tell you a story about an evil human being.  Someone who owns no empathy, no compassion an empty vessel filled with vindictiveness.

The last 3 months, actually, lets just put all of 2015 in the clusterfuck tumbler. I’ve mentioned how I’ve had certain situations from my past that still lingers till this day resurface. A woman’s worst nightmare.  My life in general has never been normal, and genetically I was given the gift of addiction and depression.  So just for fun, I added on self-destruction to the cocktail to really get the juggernaut going.  Yet somehow, no matter how low and dark my realm of inner self would enter.  Wherever my bearings might have been and whatever shit was thrown my way.  I would always rise from the ashes, like a phoenix reborn.  It takes a lot strength to not give up hope, and there have been times where it was close, real close, but that’s where my friends come in.

I can tell you that I’m proud of how I can say, I’ve always reached the destinations I wanted to go to in my career, but didn’t necessarily complete them. I got on the plane, but never got to first class. It’s like my life has been a vinyl of 5 tracks that’s been on repeat in an endless circle, the needle always stuck on repeat. It compiles and you start to loose faith in yourself, in your dreams. Especially when you’re told to live in reality and have realistic visions by the people you love, who are supposed to support your dreams.  And I never lived in reality.  According to The secret language of birthdays (Also for relationships. Always spot on, so good.) I’m born on the day of trusted abstract structure. Where the highlighted adjective traits of this day is: Conceptual, sensitive, giving, diffuse, withdrawn, lonely, soulful, intimate, graceful, reclusive, disappointed, suffering, service‑oriented, caring, observant, narcissistic, pessimistic, escapist. I would say that describes me very accurately with a bow tie nicely wrapped around it.  It then goes into a more elaborate description about your personality, and yes, you must do this if you have a romantic interest, it’s fascinating.  Stalkerish creepy on the highest level, but seriously, we’re all creepy stalkers.

I digress.

I stood up for myself last month, I did the right thing as I experienced how it really feels for a woman to work in a corporate business world filled with many men who still have this notion of repressing women to nothing. Making sure my voice was muted, when I raised my opinions I was ignored.  But I sucked it up that’s what Sheryl Sandberg was going on about in her Lean In book. Yet, I was never a corporate person.  I could do it, play the part, do the tasks.  But I’m an artist at heart.  Having led the life I did the past, I can easily understand why some must have certain presumptions of my character.  Example, when you google my name, the first thing that comes up is a FHM cover shoot. I learned many men might love to look and talk to FHM girls. But they do not think they have a brain.  And they would never guess a FHM cover girl would know how to calculate and monetize, whilst knowing the difference of a CPM, CPA and CPC for a marketing campaign.  I mean look at her, half naked, showing cleavage in a laddy mag, surely I have no respect for myself and no brain. Ignorant fuckers.

I learned what it takes to be a real boss.  A real boss doesn’t consider himself a boss. No, a real boss he is a leader. I was so lucky to have that experience, to have a leader who believed in me and took his time to teach, inspire and push the absolute best out of me when I was on the edge of creative insanity, when I didn’t see my own potential. Oh, the fights.  I would be shouted at, yet it was with respect and because I knew, that he knew I could do better. Then, we would go out forget business and have a drink.  A true boss, a leader will inspire you to do your best and you feel respected. He would bring me on board on many projects, because we worked well together and he believed in me. I will forever be grateful to that man, and if you’re reading this. You’re a dick. (Yes, that’s an inside joke.)

Enter the tyrant who became my subordinate to replace my mentor, who went on to other ventures to take over the world. Well the tyrant was on the opposite side of the spectrum of what a boss should be. In fact there is no spectrum in that man, because a spectrum has light, this was just pure darkness, a total eclipse. A ignorant fuck.

NOTE: I don’t know anything about his background, so I know there must be a reason he behaves like this. That’s what we all must remember, you don’t know where the other person is coming from. I tried to put myself in his shoes, I really did, but this one made it impossible to see where the fuck he was coming from and why he did the things he did.

The tyrant made the presumption that I knew nothing about marketing. I might not have much experience corporate wise. But let me tell you something, working in entertainment is all about marketing.  My mentor could see that and knew it could be of use, so he guided me.So to the tyrant fuck you, you tyrant asshole for saying I know nothing.  Should I be name-calling him all these things? Oh, fuck yes.  In fact the name calling he said about me to my face and behind my back were just so disrespectful. If this was in ANY country in Europe or the US. FUCK! Would I be rewarded millions if I sued him.

So what could he possibly have done to make me this irrational?

Yes we fought. So much to a point I sat him down to work out our issues.  Lots of name calling from his side, which I can prove. Nonetheless, I thought I was being responsible and made sure there was harmony in our work environment. Then I asked for one specific thing from my boss; To respect my space, ESPECIALLY my personal physical space.  Because I was still suffering from PTSD and I don’t like being close to people I don’t trust, especially men.  For me to do my job, to do my best work, I must be given space.  I told him, that sometimes he comes up and sits too close to me.  I don’t like to feel or smell his breath and it makes me very uncomfortable to work.  While it also brings out some very harrowing memories. I asked him to be mindful during this period, and I will let him know when he needs to back off.

Thinking everything was OK, I went about my way. WOW! I could not have been more wrong. The very next fucking day, after our 25 minute previous conversation on THIS very topic. Tyrant comes over and sits down right next to me, I’m talking no space between chairs,  as slowly he leans in, when the following conversation takes place:

Me: Uhm, what are you doing? *( Feeling a little uncomfortable. I move my chair away, as well as my laptop.)

Tyrant: I’m going to watch you work and see you’re capable of doing this. *(Takes my laptop back and sits himself closer.)

Me: You know what we talked about yesterday? NOW! You have to give me space, this is exactly what I was talking about.

Tyrant: NO! We are doing this together.

Me: Please, don’t treat me like a child.  I am begging you to go back to your desk and I will come over when my work is done for final approval.

Tyrant: I am your boss, I can sit wherever the fuck I want and we are doing this together because I want you to show me how you do it. *(This is when the feeling of violation completely ruptured my entire state of being. And THIS is the point where that Pandora’s box just flies open and my past revels through my skin and I start shaking uncontrollably.)

Everything I have worked years to control is boiling to the surface, my hands are shaking. I am completely trapped, the man took all control away from me and my respect at my weakest point.  My PTSD kicked in so fast I could not stand up for myself, I was a scared girl again.  He knew what my weakness was and he went right in, like a fucking drone.  For 15 minutes I begged and pleaded for him to leave me alone. He wouldn’t comply. Instead I could feel his breath down my neck and tears were welling up in my eyes. It was lunch hour, so my usual gang was not there to help me. I am usually strong, even feared at times at the office. But because I was going through this PTSD and being reminded of a situation I’ve long buried, I felt powerless. He knew exactly what he was doing, I was shaking. Tears in my eyes, he sat still like a rock commanding my every move and commanding me to “Show me how I do it.”  When I finally managed to complete the task. I was not even on earth anymore, I had left the plane of existence long ago and was working on autopilot.  He slowly stood up. Looked down at me and said

“That was OK, now give me five more.”

I ran out of that office so fast and I broke down in a way I’ve never done before. Thank heavens one of my coworkers was there when the elevator door opened, cause I collapsed.  Many might think right now, that I might seem like an overreacting drama queen.  But I collapsed in a way only a woman who has been through abuse can truly understand. Traumas came back. I completely broke into pieces.  And one by one my team came and comforted me. Shocked, as they had NEVER seen me like this, they know my strengths.  These guys are my friends who I share my life with, they are friends, my team. They knew for me to fall this far, it was serious and they knew why.  Regardless of what the Tyrant might not have known about my past, he knew I was almost beaten to death, he knew I was fragile. He knew I needed space and he came in like a fucking wrecking ball, destroyed me completely.

After the incident, restructuring had to be done. It cooled down a bit, but it didn’t get better.  I had to work from home most days because the sight of him made me want to vomit and I went to therapy every single day. Then, after the holidays, and some time away.  He decided to go there again.  Drone strike two.  Purposefully putting himself in a situation where he actually said the following words.  “Imagine her surprise when she shows up to work tomorrow.”  When I found out what he had done, moving his desk right next to mine, no space, so he could watch my every movement he said. I had enough.  So I stood up for myself, against a big corporation. There are many more details I don’t care to get into.  But basically they shut my voice and found a way to force me out, and I got nothing. No security, no warning, no compensation.  NOTHING I was entitled to.  When I mentioned the case about my boss they wanted to silence me and pushed me into a corner saying if you sign now we will give you a little bit extra for February. Yes, I talked to lawyers and I did everything I could to fight, at my level of strength. There is only so much you can take, there is only so much a woman who has endured abuse and disrespect can tolerate. Oh, and he also was convinced I was going to enter the office and kill him with a knife……yahhhh….uhmmmmm……who’s crazy?  I’m smart enough to know they were not going to let me win at any costs.  So I lost all my security, when I did nothing wrong, I was just fragile.  I had a personal issue I’ve worked hard not to bring into work.  Writing this brings so much tears to my eyes.  Because business is business, it has no feelings. It does not care.  So many women endure this treatment in so many various forms.  I can’t stop it, but I can tell you how it feels like for a girl, in this world. (That’s a Madonna quote.)

So now, more than ever I know what my path is. You got to look at the positive, I learned something huge.  I know why it is important for me to write my book on depression awareness while telling my story.  For the first time yesterday I actually said with confidence, when someone asked what my occupation was. I said, I’m a writer. I have no job.  So yes, I have nothing at the moment, but I do have the ultimate inner flame to work and do anything to get there and get my book out.

I’m just a girl in the world…
That’s all that you’ll let me be!

I’m just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb makes me worry some
I’m just a girl, what’s my destiny?
What I’ve succumbed to is making me numb.

 

 

 

 

Posted in depression, looking forward | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

And it’s hard to love, there’s so much to hate hanging on to hope, when there is no hope to speak of….

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA          Processed with VSCOcam with 1 preset

Post soundtrack Parying for time by George Michael

Right now, this, the feeling I am currently experiencing is what it’s all about. That moment where I would usually self destruct.  I’m drowned in so many emotions, and I have no answer to why.  But I do, but it’s such a mess.  Everything is so heavy and I can’t pin point where to focus. I don’t have the strength to to lift, only the will to numb it for a moment, knowing perfectly well it will only come back in ten-folds. I don’t have the patience to explain, because it’s so much and yet there is nothing to explain. This is the part of me you can’t fix, this is that moment when I just fall apart and need to pick myself up.  Where the years of therapy comes in handy and I need to remember the techniques of what helps for me.  Reach out is the first step, I did that. There is a lot of crying, anger, emptiness, fear compressed into this energy ball that sits in the middle of my chest. While it constrains my chest so hard, like a medieval korset. I can’t breathe or function, because the energy of all those emotions just wont go away right now.  I suddenly don’t know who to trust, or what to do with myself. Do I go out? Do I cry it out?  I feel like I am trapped in a  glass box, with it’s lid sealed.  With water rapidly filling up so fast and I can’t escape, and the water represents everything going in my life right now and I completely drowning. If anyone came into my room and found me crying on the floor, there is nothing they could do to fix me, I can’t tell them whats wrong, because I don’t know.

I do know this.

I am angry at what happened to me, I’m so so angry and so so hurt. I’ve never felt like such piece of shit in my life, so insignificant.  That post will come soon, I just need to wait for the green light. I’m so fucking lonely, yet I currently have almost all the people who know me the best surrounding me. I have love.  I’m in disbelief that someone went out their way to show me kindness, and it made me so sad, because I never experienced that kind of compassion and kindness before.  I realize just how much I have allowed myself to go through, and now I’m scared to hurt the kindness, because I know I will.  It’s just doesn’t stop, this thing called life.  What I live with inside is sometimes so unmanageable and I know I will have to deal with it time and time again. Then days will come when you have a realization of just exactly how little you have loved yourself, how little you have taken care of yourself. That when something good comes along, you do everything in your power to push it as far away as possible, because I can’t believe it’s happening. That I could deserving of something good.

Yet I am having tons of fun, I laugh, I’m excited.  Yet I feel like none of it matters. I don’t expect people to care, because I genuinely believe no one gives a fuck, everything is done out of guilt and because it’s the right thing to do or say.

This is what it feels like right now for me as I’m having a heavy wave of depression spell that just made me loose all my bearings. It might be gone in 1 hours, tomorrow or a week.  This is my life.  Not knowing how long they last. This is me doing my therapy, getting the emotions out. Helping the world, because no one deserves to feel like this.

 

Posted in depression, Random | 1 Comment

Don’t know if I’m coming up or down. Am I happy or in misery?

 Post Soundtrack – Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix

Happy 2016….for now.

To be real, that is my main objective for 2016.  Plus achieving a fire that has been lit again,  thanks to a longtime faithful reader who reached out and gave me a little kick in the butt.

A friend told me I pulled a Carrie Mathison.  If ya’ll watch Homeland, ya’ll know she is considered bat shit crazy.  And we LOVE bat shit crazy Carrie. In this particular season she had this one scene which struck very close to home.  Carrie is bi-polar and has to be on medication. I have clinical depression, which means I will most likely be on medication most of my life, it was passed to me genetically.   So there is a little cocktail I take everyday to not go into the deep dark places I can easily loose myself in.

In Homeland Carrie has the following conversation with her boyfriend Jonas.

Jonas: You want to go off your meds now to figure this out?
Carrie: No. I’ve already gone off them. Three days ago. (EVERYONE CHEERS WHEN SHE SAYS THOSE GOLDEN WORDS.)

But it’s her reasoning why that I related to, and it  has become obvious right here on this blog.

Carrie: The point is that the meds have saved my life, literally, but something is lost, too.
Jonas: The elation.
Carrie: It’s more than that. There’s this window, when you’ve got all this crazy energy, but you’re still lucid, you’re still making sense and that’s always when I did my best work.

FUCK me to the moon and back with a droid up my arse, do i get it. I relate to this creatively. The medication I take saved my life, but it dulled my senses.  The senses which I’m so dependent on for my creative work.  I didn’t feel anything, I was just  O K, nothing phased me.  So a few months back I stopped taking one of the 3 medications I take daily.  The one that stabilizes my emotions.  Of course the cock juggling thunder that is my life, it has not helped that in the last 3 months I went through some very crazy shit personally, whilst tapering off one specific pill. So that has been like riding a ball-crushing mindfuck of a roller coaster experience.

So, it explains why I  lately have had such a heighten sense of emotions, BUT, I am able to write again.  Because I feel things, I feel very deeply, then I find ways to articulate them into these words or take a photo which expresses my inner emotions.

So do you sacrifice your creativity just so you can stay “normal/ stable ?” OR do you allow yourself to go there to be able to do the thing you are passionate about?  I chose to quit, and it’s obvious lately my writing has gone back to the place where I’M REAL.  I’m having this whole “I’m real” campaign with my shrink at the moment, get ya pom poms out peeps.  I found that even though there are days that are so, so heavy.  They only accumulate these overwhelming feelings that I can then put into words. That I am in fact an artist of sorts, because of where my mind can tap into and my need to express the feeling I carry inside, which so many of you relate to.

So yes, my reaction to things these days can be very hysterical and I act before I think. But I have my inner flame back, I have my passion back and I finally know what I want for me this year. A 13 years search has finally been made clear and my road is only beginning. Thanks to my faithful friend who has been trying to push me for years.  The answer was there all along, what everyone kept telling me but I denied, my confidence was never there.  It’s this blog.  I want to take it further, I want to tell my story, I want to share the awareness how it’s like for people like me.  How it’s like to live life with depression, combined with the many stories from the different eras of different careers paths of my life, which lets me honest have been plenty and are filled with some realy good stories.

We might act out at times, but it does not mean we are not sane, it does not mean we are incapable of being a functional human beings to society.  I have 20 years of insane stories because of my work, all while dealing with this inner darkness and being dealt some very fucked up cards in certain life situations.  I have photos and words to express how I feel, and somehow, you the reader, connect to my words.

I had a very sudden reaction this week to something related to the person who opened Pandoras box, guess what? He went there again and opened it again.  I was told this person thinks I am completely out of control and dangerous to society.  Which before mentioned pissed off and also made me laugh hysterically.  What the fuck kind of mind does this person have? I mean it’s obvious there some vindictive agenda going on, but are you fucking kidding me?  If this particular situation was a game of chess. Know that this Tambourine Queen is always thinking way ahead, and that is because I am intelligent and smart.  Don’t fucking judge people who might be overly emotional and puts themselves out there, those are the ones who have nothing to hide and some way smarter than you can ever imagine.  For me to BE REAL, to truly be me, the honest me, I have chosen to let a lot of emotions in. Let’s be honest, you guys fucking love it when I go off the rails. I’m not holding back.

So welcome to a new journey I’ve set for myself for this year. LA, NY here I come…..how? I’m in the midst of figuring all that out.

 

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I shouldn’t play myself again. I should just be my own best friend, not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.

1997 Album cover shoot

1997 Album cover shoot

Post soundtrack: Tears dry on their own by Amy Winehouse

After my last post, I decided I would not go out 2015 with that post. I do think it was highly misunderstood. It was meant be about the human emotions.  Someone messaged me and said

“Michele, you’re making it worse by putting it all out there. You say you don’t want sympathy, but that’s exactly what you’re doing.  The rest of us have shit as well not just you. Stop it and do something.”

I can’t tell you how angry I was at that point, and how I usually would have said fuck you.  Instead I said. I feel sad for you. Obviously you completely misunderstand my writing.  It’s not about me.  It’s about the emotions all human beings go through.  Especially the the ones who are sick mentally, how they live their life with it. I’m not fucking special at all.  I know tons of people who have way worse problems than me.  But just because I’m privileged to a good life, doesn’t mean I’m immune to sickness. Depression is an illness.  I must be allowed to find outlet. I’m sorry you don’t get it. 

People please stop judging, this place is my outlet.  If you read this just to be a gossip monger, then you’re a cunt and have no appreciation for real honesty. It scared some people and they don’t agree with my sharing, but it brought so many people closer. I can see that over 300 people read my last post from just posting on facebook alone, so that means a lot friends care, or are just curious.

I seem to be having the quite the week. I got diagnosed with H1N1, so currently I haven’t seen a soul in 36 hours. I’m in isolated quarantine at home, it’s lonely.  It has also given me the courage to write certain people and thank them for the things that to them might seem small, but to me, meant a lot to me this year.

I also watched AMY, my idol. I got to meet Amy once, and it’s one of those experiences that will stick with me forever, I met a true icon. I sobbed through the movie, but I didn’t realize how much I related.  How she in the end just wanted to feel love with a partner and write. She says

“I don’t think I knew what depression was at 14. I knew I felt funny sometimes, and I was different. I think it’s a musician thing, that’s why I write music. But I’m not like, some messed up person. There’s a lot of people that suffer depression that don’t have an outlet.  Its hard to write, because  you can write a millions things a day. But it’s hard to write something you’re proud of.”

Michele97

Can you tell it’s the 90s?


That really hit close to home, I’ve been writing all my life, I got endless books of diaries from 1988.  I used to have a guitar, I miss it, it was an outlet.  I really really wish for a beautiful acoustic guitar. But that got left in Berlin.  I’m not sayin I’m anywhere at all like near her, Amy, she is an icon. But she’s human, and we as humans can all relate emotionally.  Where I relate was when I was thrown into fame at the age of 16.  I was alone while my parents were fixing things in another country. 16-23 I grew up with a brother who couldn’t control me.  I drank, I partied, I had my version of Blake, the one who abused me. I was a lost girl. Unless you experienced a whole country having a perception of you, especially judging you, while trying to find yourself. It’s fucking difficult to be grounded and not find some sort of escape in alcohol and substances.  I am different because of that past, I will always be, because the way I was thrown into fame at 16 then dealing with it all being gone at 29.  It’s a very hard transition.
JAMP Live 1998

JAMP Live 1998

 I decided for the next year to get a proper acoustic guitar, write some music.  Find the right direction to get things in order for me to write this book I always dreamed of writing. I wanna  save up to finally see the world.  Find love within and without, meet people who get to hold my heart for a while, but it’s still mine.  To go jog in every city. NY, LA, Dallas, New Orleans, Barcelona, Costa  Rica, Tokyo, Bali, North of Norway.  I got much savings to do for my eat, pray love worldwide walkabout. I hope I can do it, because that is what I really really want. I must find a way somehow.
But shiz, that’s like 30k USD. OK, need to work on that budget a bit.
Tony Bennet said; “Life teaches you how to live, if you live long enough.”
Shootin MV during my 99 J.LO Phase

Shootin MV during my 99 J.LO Phase

There will be sadness, there will be love in 2016.  But it will all be a real human emotion from someone who just wants to connect with the world.
I love you all.  Happy New Year.
Your Tambourine Queen

 

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Look, don’t get me wrong. I know there is no tomorrow.


Post soundtrack – The whole fucking Adele album 25  But track 4-5-6 and 8-9 and especially track 10 (All I ask, which  is the song this post title is taken from) really just rips and destroys me every time. If you are asking why would I do this? Catharsis!

NOTE: Yes this mood is completely different from my last post, and it’s contradictory.

Maybe because it’s the end of the year. Maybe because I might get dengue fever (totally unrelated, but I have 14 mosquito bites.) Maybe because my best friend is getting married and I’m hungover from hosting his bachelor party that I am particularly emotional. Maybe because I’m having PMS.  Maybe because I was beaten up. Maybe because that hidden box I managed to keep a lid on opened up and exploded inside, 8 years of therapy down the drain. Maybe it’s my mid-life crisis. Or maybe because I’m lonely and scared that what you are about to read is long but raw and honest as I feel.  About the one thing we all want, LOVE.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”  I remember reading that in Perks of a wallflower. It’s that time of year again where I go into reflection mode,  I’ve been reading through some old posts and it’s a clear pattern that the last week of the year I get into this mooshy sentimental clusterfuck mood that projectile emotes all over the place.

I’m finding that there are so many people these days that don’t seem to have any faith or take risks, we’ve become more scared.  Our self esteem makes us think that maybe no one can completely love us for who we really are.  I am one of those people.  When I know the solution is, just be honest from the get go, nothing will change if you don’t do it yourself or try, which sounds so much easier than actually being put into action.  We all think we know ourselves and what is best for us.  I’ve experienced this with men, many, many times.  Thinking I knew what it was I wanted, but it wasn’t what I needed.  We’re all scared. Many just don’t take the chance, because of that fear we all carry. The fear of pain, the fear of what if something better comes along and I miss out. The fear of, this person can’t possibly love me. DING DING DING!  In my case and the men in my life,  the main issue has always been timing.  Timing is off because of where they are in life, geographically or age wise, which is always the case isn’t it?  Timings a bitch.

Many like myself, have found a solace in solitude.  I am capable of being all by myself, yet it’s so fucking lonely.  And all you want is someone to share that loneliness with.  The fucked up contradiction is that I am more myself when I am by myself, when I’m alone.  When I’m single is always when I’ve done my best creative work written wise, because I fear of what my partner would think if they really read my thoughts, if all they saw was the weakness and not strength, it would scare them away.  When the irony is, all you ever need is someone to love that dark part of you. I was scared to show them the real me.  I am easy to love for my good parts, I’m a fucking angel.  But for my complex darkness, I’m not easy to love.  Because it can be scary and finding a partner who has the strength to see you cry, respect your space, you know, those fucked up days.  Finding someone to share all of you with, that is hard.

All I know is that I’m not the only one, because I seem to attract these exact types like myself into my life. Currently working with my therapist to see how can I change my life. Because I want it to change so bad, which means something in my life has to change, it has to come from me.  I think I know the answer but I don’t like it, because it’s scary.

I never felt worthy of any love. I have somehow accepted being treated with disrespect, because that was the first impression my first big relationship had in my life.  That, and  little collective incidents throughout me growing up, to this man who made sure I felt I would never be good enough for anyone.  Who made me doubt every man in my life.  Words he repeatedly said to me and I still hear those words linger in the distance every time I meet a man.  The abuse I endured in every possible way at the fragile age of 19 till I was 21, it’s something I don’t wish upon anyone. Which is why I have such a shield of toughness, and always seek approval.  When that hidden Pandora’s box was opened a few weeks ago, I’ve traveled back 16 years in time to that time in my life where I experienced every single form of abuse, every scene came back so clear. And how since that time, every time when I’m in someones arms, and they look at me wondering if maybe he could spend his life with me. The words “No one will ever spend their life with you.” Just shouts at the back of my head. I have such a struggle with acceptance, I want to feel accepted and approved.  A good friend of mine, had a talk with me months ago how that is my biggest flaw, my seeking of acceptance and approval for someone I’m not.  That you should never lean on someone to be your rock, be your own pillar of strength.  She is right.

So yeah, I’m not in a good place and maybe why I feel this deep desperation to feel love. (I know my friends love me, it’s the love love I’m talking about.)

I’m damaged goods with so much capacity to love.  I was simply born with an overdose of emotions, so many of them, that I can’t keep track of my feelings, moods or compartmentalize any of them.  It always scares everyone away.  I always think about love this time of year.   I can’t figure out if this has been the best year of my life or just the most eventful, and if there is a difference between that. I’m so happy I didn’t make the biggest mistake of my life, and listened to my heart and moved back from Berlin, it did hurt but I knew it was the right decision.  Because you need respect, chemistry, willingness and fearlessness to put in the work.  And that can only happen if both are on the same page.  So the truth is I’m so fucking lonely, all the time.

I was in deep conversation the other day with someone and we talked about love.  I realized that the last time anyone ever chased after me, a man I wanted back, that was 2006. The man a from A girls mind series (If you never read it, its written in novel style and make sure to start on chapter 1 volume 1.  Also my grammatical dyslexia was way fucking worse back then, so bear with it.)  The one man who chased me, the one man who looked at me without fear. The one I knew would completely break my heart if he left me, and he did. Because he was not ready, because I held on so tight, and our timing was not right.  So I chased him, but he moved on and he is with his perfect partner now. Broken I became, but as humans always do. We always rise again.

I’ve been in love many times, but now approaching the age of 3 fucking 6 I realize I don’t think I can say “That person, was the love of my life.”   Realizing that made me so sad inside. I did have a beautiful relationship for awhile, a few years back, which will always be dear to me. It was picture perfect, but flawed. I’m happy to see him in a better place now. Things always happen for a reason, I just keep waiting for my moment to make sense of it all.   People have flirted, many have tried and failed.  Simply because I didn’t feel anything back, it’s that one other ingredient, CHEMISTRY. If we didn’t need chemistry I would been fine.  Anyone can make it work, but you can’t force chemistry just because someone gives you attention.  Chemistry is fucking key. I yearn to feel like that again. We all just want equal love, for someone to love you as much as you love them. Someone once told me that’s impossible, I don’t believe that. Because I see many friends who are so happily in love,  because they both worked for it, their love is equal.  I do believe there are many out there for me.  I know that there is a world full of people that can be mine with electrifying chemistry.   I just know that here in the town I love so much, I will not find him here. I have always known that. Fucking geography. I need to leave, but I don’t know where. I need to see the world.

Our hearts can feel so much, we can reset and start again.  That I can still love and feel so much after all the experiences life has taught me. I mentioned in my last post how for brief moment I had a little fling with someone just when I needed it the most. Man do I fucking miss it.  I have this ache of wanting to belong to someone, I realized how nice it felt to be really held.  He held me good.  I’m not saying it was that person, but what he represented, he has something that I need, and there was a connection, chemistry.  My friend told me today that out of all our friends, as long as she could remember all I ever wanted was to have a partner in crime, but everyone surpassed me. All I ever wanted was to really feel loved. But also I could never have a normal relationship, because I’m not normal.  This EVERYONE has told me, and it’s true. The life I lived, I need to find the normal at that same level.

The other conflicting thing is, there are a few people I met over the past year, who are completely different, they’ve captured my heart completely.  I also hold on really tight when I get those moments, with special people.  Because I know they will leave.  They’ve catered to different parts of me, and I’m wondering if it is possible to find someone who caters to all parts of you? These men, I’m also not the one for them.  Because if I was, I wouldn’t be writing this.  It meant timing was right. It meant someone took a chance.  It meant someone chased me, because I can’t chase anymore. Maybe that’s the problem.

I know I already possess everything inside to be I the best version of me. I am everything I want to be already, I have it. But I have emotions and fears, and ever since my PTSD trauma it has just super grown in size.  Beautiful emotions of every kind, like on some days, when my posts are happy and all I feel is love. Then times like these, when the scared but perfectly human emotion is present. It’s all there inside me, but I can never seem to use it at the perfect time.  Right now this particular depressed lonely cloud has been taking up space in me for awhile, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to clear. I’ve always been afraid that life will pass me by.  The older I get, the more people I love around me are settling with their partner in crime.  I wonder if I will be that woman that will just be alone. I’ll be that woman they say ‘How can she still be single?”  It’s never that easy.  I’m a mess and I need to patch myself up, so of course that would scare people away. Maybe I will just have to be OK with the occasional flings here and there, and meaningless sex, cause I can do it, I have. But in the end we need meaning.

That is me, and let me stress that I am not looking for sympathy, I say this with every post. My therapist said work on the things that scare you, admitting all this is scary.  But 2016 is about trying not to be scared of anything, facing my fears, be honest about my fears. I’m just saying this is me, now. I don’t wish this depressional loneliness upon anyone, yet sometimes I wish people knew exactly how that ache feels. Constantly there.  For someone who is always surrounded by so much love from friends and family. Like seriously, I am so blessed with wonderful friends, such good friends many, many of them.  And yet with all that, how I can still feel so lonely, beats me.

So fuck you Adele, for describing my life in a whole album.

 

 

 

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We keep this love in a photograph. We made these memories for ourselves, where our eyes are never closing.

Post soundtrack – Photograph by Ed Sheeran

People say timing is everything and there’s a time and place for things to happen which is probably true. Sometimes life will give you little magical gifts when you need them. I did need it this week and the gift I got was more than I could have imagined and just what I needed. There are people that you will meet in your life time that are only meant for certain places for a certain moment, perfect and magic in that moment in time.  Those moments when time stands still just for a little while and your life feels like a Ed Sheran music video montage.  OK so in my case, that particular song was playing in a dark fairy bar (I’m not sure if that has significance for you as a reader, but it does to me.) when I realized exactly that this is just one of those moments that one day will just become a good memory of a distant past, where you will find yourself thinking about whatever happened to that person. We will meet people you spend some time with and you just know that, fuck!! This one would break my heart into pieces.

No words needs to be said, you can tell just by looking into someones eyes, you just know that this is all that it will ever be.

It’s kind of sad but kind of good at the same time.  I don’t believe there’s just one person out there for you.  I believe there are many people out there, but time wont give it to you to explore more.  Which in retrospect is probably for the best, since you know what could happen if it went deeper.  9 years ago was when I knew from the first moment I met someone that he would break me. Yet, I still wanted what I could have when I did have it. Step into the fire.  And yes it broke me to so many pieces. But the memories of what I had, is what makes me believe there is still so much more out there. There is a magnetic pull towards certain individuals that you just cant explain.

I hate not being able to read people, it usually happens when the sand has run out from the hourglass, and their life continues on another path and you on your own, and it feels hollow for a while.

At this age I know you can have a deep connection with a person, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right for you and I think becoming an adult is knowing when something should be as it is, take advantage of whatever time you have.  Accepting that you must not let yourself fall into the trap of dreams, but instead accept you met someone truly wonderful you would love to explore more, but instead be grateful for that time. Yet, it doesn’t mean it wont deepen that longing feeling of wanting to belong to someone, that lonesome ache. Knowing perfectly well there are so many out there for you, but for some reason you haven’t crossed paths. One of those thorns in life, like a deer in headlights where time just freezes and your blinded by the light.

Posted in aging, love | Leave a comment

Some days are better than others…

post soundtrack – some days are better than others

The toughest ones are usually the most fragile ones. Everyone has walls and limits, everyone has a past. A past that can linger in the shadows, only to one day be broken into pieces. I’m a walking contradiction of myself. The happiest most giving woman you could meet, but also a little emo that hides inside.  

There are many forms of abuse of power, there are many forms of abuse in general. We all have our personal struggles and demons that we must deal with, and such is life. My struggles has always been rejection, I think many can relate to that one, but I absolutely hate the feeling of rejection mainly because of the events of my past.  Like I’ve mentioned many times I love to entertain people,  so today’s post might be a bit somber. 

I have a box inside, where all my traumas live and I never open, but it still manage to  sip through time and time again. This box contains all the abuse I’ve endured in many shapes and forms that I’ve chosen to lock away. But the box lives inside me so of course there are times it just pops open for a second. I always act tough and hard because I’ve been bullied and abused on all levels; physically, mentally, spiritually and internally. Much of this happened at a young age where my strength and my roots were so fragile and clueless. The tree that grew from that has branches that the leaves fall off so easily all the time.

It didn’t help when I got assaulted a few months back and after that I’ve been downhill and it just gets worse and worse. Because now my feeling of my own worthiness is so low, also because someone once told me I would never be worthy enough for anyone to love, this after they had abused me.

I feel completely alone in the world like many others do. Feel guilty reaching for help. Yet at the same time I’m so worried that people will read this and say ‘oh my God she all messed up.’ I want you all to know that I am full of happiness and love, I have so much of that in my heart. I am the funniest, naughtiest little kitten you can think of. 

Last week I asked someone of power, who has power over me to respect the limit of personal space. I briefly explained that I have some issues to work out and his presence brings out my struggles. So instead of respecting my wishes he abused that power and completely invaded all the space I had to  the point that the box I had locked up for so many years popped open and everything fled out. Since then I’ve been scrambling to lock it up again while also do my best to have as much fun as I can, and luckily this week, thanks to some certain people, my mind was able to be preoccupied for a while. Then again today back to reality and that lid pops open again. So here I sit alone by myself at a place where I do feel safe wishing I wasn’t alone. One of my best friends called earlier and I Love you so much for that and always looking out for me. I’m writing this from my phone, trying to gather my thoughts. Trying not to overly harass people to come join me just so I don’t feel alone. so you wherever you are reading this, you are my listening ear my invisible friend sitting next to me at my table right now, while I breathe.

Some days are better than others

Excuse my grammar and spelling mistakes today I don’t give a fuck about my dyslexia and will just let this be.

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I know I’ll often stop and think about them. In my life I love you more

Post soundtrack: In my life – The Beatles

Holy mother of fuck my lasts posts have been so depressing. Fuck me, sorry for the bummer. But yeah I was feeling like crap, and there aint nothing wrong with that.

Today is all about LOVE and letting people know they matter.

Someone told me something today that I’ve never heard anyone say before to me or to anyone else.  This was a friend, a female friend so there’s nothing sexual or romantic context, what it was is pure love for a friend. She said

I’m going to love you so much, until you love yourself as much as I do.

Ain’t that a beautiful concept?  I spent hours thinking about it. It’s true so many of us don’t know how to love ourselves,  I proved time and time again that I don’t love myself enough. I neglect my own needs and dreams. Everywhere I look people are so self consumed with themselves and why shouldn’t they be?  You’re supposed to love yourself and look after yourself.   But also there is a point when being compassionate is exactly the best thing you can do for yourself, because what you get as a reward from that is love, and nothing can beat that. There is of course a danger, that you have so much love for others that you do neglect yourself. In a way it’s a catch 22 clusterfuck.

I’ve been thinking about my life direction, and the NOW.

I see my life ending up either on a hut on the beach; running a really small shop selling seashells or some crap like that.  Or somewhere up in the Nordic mountains making cheese.  Somewhere serene, where people pass by and I hear their stories and you connect with the world.  I think for the first time in my life, I finally understand what it means the the living in the now and not being afraid. Letting the past go, whatever happens in the future will happen, but do what you love now and say what you feel now. Gratitude.

I feel I should change my whole life, cause up until now nothing I’ve done has had any meaning and maybe it’s time I change that. Maybe the void I’m trying to fill is not happiness but meaning, and in my math world, meaning = happiness.

I’ve said many times I love to entertain, communicate and if I can make the world happy, if I can make you feel good about yourself then I done it right.  My meaning is to connect to YOU, yes you, whoever you are reading this, you could be anywhere in the world.   I hope that reading this makes you feel something inside.  I want you to know that there is someone out there thinking about how you’re feeling, even though we have never met.  I’m virtually asking you, how are you feeling?  Are you happy? Thank you for reading this when you don’t have to. That’s my gratitude to you and you should feel good about that.

I would like to say to my best friend right now in England, that I think of you every day and I know your struggles and  I wish for you every day that your wish comes true.

I want to say to my good friend in LA, thank you for being my friend, thank you for being alive, thank you for being you, for dropping everything just to send me a message to make sure I’m having a good day.

I want to say to my best friend who is getting married next month that I am so happy you found love. I can’t believe after all we’ve been through, all our talks of the future. That future is now.

I want to tell you, the stranger reading this who I have never met before.  I want to say thank you.  Thank you for reading these words and thank you for taking your time out of your day to read the words of a stranger for some compelling reason.  Hopefully you’re feeling good about yourself and appreciated . So I hope you’re feeling good now and smiling.

I want to tell someone that I think of them all the time, and to say thank you that I met you. You lit a spark inside me again and it feels so good whenever I see your face or your name on my screen, I want to say you’re so special.  You have no idea how I feel, but it doesn’t matter, I just want to say thank you.

I want to say to my bodyguard friend in Australia  who I know is reading this, because you have always looked after me. I want to let you know that I look after you too and I know that you are looking after me and worried about me. I worry about you and I want you to know that you are so loved by all our friends and you were so missed here in the city.

To my friend healing from an accident, you bring happiness to so many people. Thank you!

I want to tell my nurse friend who is moving to chase your dream, don’t be scared! You’re doing what you want to do and you inspire me and let me live through you.

I want to tell my Sponsor sunshine wife that I see you, I feel you and I hear you. You’re not invincible, you matter and your existence is so important to this world because you make this world a better place, never forget that.

I want to tell my other best friend that stop being scared of being alone.  It’s OK to step up for yourself, don’t be afraid to roar and let your voice be heard.  If you lose something because you said your opinion then that person doesn’t see you like I do.

My son, you have no idea how special you are.

I want to personally thank a thousand more people. But you would probably get a bit bored reading all of it.

So that’s all folks, remind everyone what they mean to you. Communicate, don’t be afraid of words. Especially the good words, it can only make the other person happy.

Your Tambourine Queen.

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And I tread a troubled track My odds are stacked I’ll go back to black

Post soundtrack Back to black – Amy Winehouse

I’ve been struggling to find the topic, the words to write for today’s post.  Truth is I’ve written so many versions of it but It never felt right.  So what you are about to read is a projectile vomit of emotions boiled up inside.

I always say I don’t give a fuck about anything, I couldn’t give two fucks. but the truth is that I do, I give a lot of fucks really.  I’m a prostitute of feelings that’s how many fucks I give.  But that is also what makes me cold, distant and I put up a shell.  People think they get in just because I reveal an emotion side of myself on social media, I told you before everything is an illusion. My life is a fucking illusion.

I’m officially on sick leave, I actually worked myself to depression, and I had a meltdown at my boss where I screamed 57 fucks  in a minute.  I think I might even get fired, that’s how angry I was. How to behave professionally apparently is not my strong suit.  But because I feel, and I put myself in that persons shoe, I wrote a lengthy apologizing email to my boss. —–  No response.——

I am on medical leave for PTSD after my assault, it hit me so long after the incident and it hit hard and they way I dealt with it was a great consumption of everything. Then, just to fucking put a cherry turd on top I saw that one person from 15 years ago, who I gave all my trust and love to and he abused that power and took from me something I can never have back.  The man I blame for everything, even though I should have left, I wasn’t strong enough.  So I stayed in my most 3 vulnerable years with a man who abused me in ways that still till this day gives me issues with men. He did the worst of the worst.  When you are 20 years old and the man you love sticks a gun to your head and you still stay, you know you got some fucking issues to deal with.

What am I going on about?

Oh yeah, I want to stress this point. This is why I share, not because of sympathy or for anyone to give me a break or say poor me.  I say it because you can never tell what I been through if you met me today.  Never forget, everyone has a past, everyone has demons and some days you clash.  We must be kind and understanding at all times to everyone, we are all struggling with something.

I’m trying to be kind to myself, and tell myself I am worth loving, I am worth something.  I have such split personalities; One who doesn’t take shit from anyone and the one who is afraid people will see how scared I actually am.  How lonely I feel, how I am truly convinced I will never find anyone who will love me the way I need, and for me to love them the way they need.  My heart is sad, but it’s OK, it’s only a human feeling that will go away.  Only I can take care of me.  Right now my heart is focused on me, I did find someone I fell so deeply for and it was so unplanned, I never saw it coming in a million years and I’m so mad because I don’t want to feel this way, but I do and it’s a ughhhhhhh.  That person doesn’t feel the same, and those are the moments you think you are worthless.  I am not, I know I’m not, but I’m allowed to let this horrible lonely feeling use my body as a vessel just for a little while until it moves on. I’m not afraid of pain, I’m just afraid of growing old alone.

Holy fuck this got depressing as shit, go look at some kittens or something.

Stop worrying people, I’m fine, like i said these are just thoughts I have I couldn’t be fucked to keep to just myself.

 

 

 

 

 

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Stuck in reverse, and the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can’t replace

Post soundtrack – Fix you by Coldplay

A little over 2 months ago I was assaulted and beaten at a bar.  If it weren’t for my friends who luckily were there to rescue me, I would without a doubt ended up in hospital with serious injuries, if not dead.  It sounds dramatic, but it is in fact the truth.  A truth I’ve handled lightly because it’s the only way I know how.  I’ve handled many traumas in my life, this one is not even my worst one.  There are still so many things I have to keep from the world, things that only a selected few people I truly trust know about.  It eats at me everyday, those burdens that I carry.  But such is life and I can’t change my past and certain events.

After the assault I spent my time clearing my head, building myself up strong, not letting it get to me.  In fact I thought I’d done very well.  Yet, I see now that I am in fact not.  That ever since then, something broke inside of me and I can’t pinpoint what it is.  All I know is my drinking has gone up heavily, my urge to numb myself is ever so present.  Truth is, I spend many evenings crying by myself because of it. I feel alone, yet I know my friends are there for support.  The loneliness I feel is unbearable at times, I needed a really warm loving hug after my incident, but I didn’t have anyone to turn to, you know the loving kind.  All I can do is give back to the world.  Even to those who might not be kind to me, I am kind to them, I can’t let fear take over.  The world we live in is not kind, evident every day in the news.  Cowards exists everywhere, I’m often a coward, but not at the expense of other peoples feelings.
Currently professionally and personally there are areas where I’m just broken. It makes it so easy to give up hope, that kindness is just a waste of time.

I’m seeking out people who genuinely give out positive energy, people who understand compassion and understand that a lack of action on their side can break a person.

No one knows how broken I am at the moment and  how much I struggle every day.  But I wake up and I smile and I do what I can to be grateful for what I do have, because that is important.  The greatest gift life will give you is the appreciation to be grateful.  A part of me hides because I cannot stand being the person you have to be weary around, every day my aim is to make people laugh and smile.  I want people to feel good about themselves, happy, laughing.  That when I come to their mind, it’s good happy things.  I treat people the way I want to treated, with kindness and respect.  So when I go to bed at the end of the day, how lonely as it may be, I know I made people smile. I have to have hope in humanity.

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And you may ask yourself, well…How did I get here? Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down.

Post soundtrack: Once in a lifetime by The Talking Heads

Coincidences is such a mystery in this puzzle we call life.  For those who have followed my journey for the last decade know how important this space is to me.  I started blogging 10 years ago, but on a different platform, with just randomness really.  Then in 2007 I was diagnosed with major clinical depression, it was the hardest and most painful time I’ve ever been through in my life.  Going back on the archives you can still find those posts, and they are heartbreaking.  3 months I didn’t leave the house and spent most days in bed thinking of ways to die, but I had this platform right here where I let it all out.  This very blog is what saved my life, because I learned to connect.  Years passed by and I became better, and my frequency of posting went down to nothing, only when crisis hit would I come back here. It’s the tortured soul that knows how to describe raw emotion and I was good at it.  I was fearless in sharing my vulnerability as I believe still this day it is the bravest thing you can do, that human struggles are real.

I’ve watched the world explode with social media, I’ve seen stars been born for posting things they are passionate about.  Lately there have been many posts about the glorification of social media and how it’s not real. That is true, seeking validation online is dangerous. Yet I still feel that I am fake as my instagram account suggests that I am someone with an exciting life and full of humor. But I am not, and I never ever want to hide that.  I’m a bit ashamed of myself lately, as I was such an advocate for expressing your true self online, yet I hid the dark parts of me. I am realizing I want to connect, but not with a fake life of envy, but my dark struggles.  This blog is what I get asked about the most, it’s the one place I truly felt I could connect on something serious.  So I am again, like a broken record, saying I will try my best to be here more and be real.

I have my other blog where I share my passion for photography where I do sometimes express feelings through photos, but my yearn to write is still there.

the tambourine queen photo

I am currently experiencing seasonal depression, I am going through that existential mid life crisis, I want to be back in this space. I need it, I want to be real.  That I have days where I am so happy and enjoying every second of life, then the days when darkness hit.  I was about to write this post when I went down the youtube wormhole and found this video by Rachel Braathen, I’ve followed her journey.  I felt a bit mad at myself because what she says in the end, is something I’ve been saying for years. Share your vulnerability that’s how you connect, but I abandoned it. So here I am saying that right now I’m not feeling my best, but I’m not afraid because I know how to work on it and it will pass.  Yet, I think now more than ever it is important to remind people that it’s OK to let the world know you are not OK.

I’ve missed you guys.

Your Tambourine Queen.

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