Stuck in reverse, and the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can’t replace

Post soundtrack – Fix you by Coldplay

A little over 2 months ago I was assaulted and beaten at a bar.  If it weren’t for my friends who luckily were there to rescue me, I would without a doubt ended up in hospital with serious injuries, if not dead.  It sounds dramatic, but it is in fact the truth.  A truth I’ve handled lightly because it’s the only way I know how.  I’ve handled many traumas in my life, this one is not even my worst one.  There are still so many things I have to keep from the world, things that only a selected few people I truly trust know about.  It eats at me everyday, those burdens that I carry.  But such is life and I can’t change my past and certain events.

After the assault I spent my time clearing my head, building myself up strong, not letting it get to me.  In fact I thought I’d done very well.  Yet, I see now that I am in fact not.  That ever since then, something broke inside of me and I can’t pinpoint what it is.  All I know is my drinking has gone up heavily, my urge to numb myself is ever so present.  Truth is, I spend many evenings crying by myself because of it. I feel alone, yet I know my friends are there for support.  The loneliness I feel is unbearable at times, I needed a really warm loving hug after my incident, but I didn’t have anyone to turn to, you know the loving kind.  All I can do is give back to the world.  Even to those who might not be kind to me, I am kind to them, I can’t let fear take over.  The world we live in is not kind, evident every day in the news.  Cowards exists everywhere, I’m often a coward, but not at the expense of other peoples feelings.
Currently professionally and personally there are areas where I’m just broken. It makes it so easy to give up hope, that kindness is just a waste of time.

I’m seeking out people who genuinely give out positive energy, people who understand compassion and understand that a lack of action on their side can break a person.

No one knows how broken I am at the moment and  how much I struggle every day.  But I wake up and I smile and I do what I can to be grateful for what I do have, because that is important.  The greatest gift life will give you is the appreciation to be grateful.  A part of me hides because I cannot stand being the person you have to be weary around, every day my aim is to make people laugh and smile.  I want people to feel good about themselves, happy, laughing.  That when I come to their mind, it’s good happy things.  I treat people the way I want to treated, with kindness and respect.  So when I go to bed at the end of the day, how lonely as it may be, I know I made people smile. I have to have hope in humanity.

Posted in depression, Random | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

And you may ask yourself, well…How did I get here? Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down.

Post soundtrack: Once in a lifetime by The Talking Heads

Coincidences is such a mystery in this puzzle we call life.  For those who have followed my journey for the last decade know how important this space is to me.  I started blogging 10 years ago, but on a different platform, with just randomness really.  Then in 2007 I was diagnosed with major clinical depression, it was the hardest and most painful time I’ve ever been through in my life.  Going back on the archives you can still find those posts, and they are heartbreaking.  3 months I didn’t leave the house and spent most days in bed thinking of ways to die, but I had this platform right here where I let it all out.  This very blog is what saved my life, because I learned to connect.  Years passed by and I became better, and my frequency of posting went down to nothing, only when crisis hit would I come back here. It’s the tortured soul that knows how to describe raw emotion and I was good at it.  I was fearless in sharing my vulnerability as I believe still this day it is the bravest thing you can do, that human struggles are real.

I’ve watched the world explode with social media, I’ve seen stars been born for posting things they are passionate about.  Lately there have been many posts about the glorification of social media and how it’s not real. That is true, seeking validation online is dangerous. Yet I still feel that I am fake as my instagram account suggests that I am someone with an exciting life and full of humor. But I am not, and I never ever want to hide that.  I’m a bit ashamed of myself lately, as I was such an advocate for expressing your true self online, yet I hid the dark parts of me. I am realizing I want to connect, but not with a fake life of envy, but my dark struggles.  This blog is what I get asked about the most, it’s the one place I truly felt I could connect on something serious.  So I am again, like a broken record, saying I will try my best to be here more and be real.

I have my other blog where I share my passion for photography where I do sometimes express feelings through photos, but my yearn to write is still there.

the tambourine queen photo

I am currently experiencing seasonal depression, I am going through that existential mid life crisis, I want to be back in this space. I need it, I want to be real.  That I have days where I am so happy and enjoying every second of life, then the days when darkness hit.  I was about to write this post when I went down the youtube wormhole and found this video by Rachel Braathen, I’ve followed her journey.  I felt a bit mad at myself because what she says in the end, is something I’ve been saying for years. Share your vulnerability that’s how you connect, but I abandoned it. So here I am saying that right now I’m not feeling my best, but I’m not afraid because I know how to work on it and it will pass.  Yet, I think now more than ever it is important to remind people that it’s OK to let the world know you are not OK.

I’ve missed you guys.

Your Tambourine Queen.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Do you want to feel how it feels? Do you want to know that it doesn’t hurt me?

Post Soundtrack: Running up that hill by Kate Bush

Life truly works in the most mysterious ways. I’ve always said that life will always throw you a curve-ball out of the blue and completely knock you off your feet.

I seem to learn new things about myself, every time those curve-ball hits and knocks you to the ground.  But as you get up, and you see the playback, suddenly things become clearer. There is a big cost to evolve as a human being.  You can only truly see yourself and what person you are when you reflect and look back at something that is not there anymore. When change happened.

I lost something I cherished more than anything, something beautiful, something that was promised to me.  It got taken away from me, without any warning.  It took my breath away.

In the past when these unexpected events would happen, I would self destruct and be stuck in a dark place and wallow for a long time.  Because this thing that was taken from me was so big, it was up to me how to handle it.  In the beginning I went down a destructive path, cried and searched everywhere for answers to questions I will never get the real answer to. Stories in my head would pop up, theories, it drove me insane. I tried to destroy myself. But to what point? It’s not helping anything.

So I had a choice, cry and keep asking why. While surrounded by negative thoughts.


I could just let go, accept that no matter what I do, I don’t have the power to change anything.

To let yourself go into the powerlessness.  That tears are a waste of energy to something that can’t be changed. So I refused this time to stay down.  Because I always knew I am strong woman, it’s just all about willpower.  I got up, and constantly think positive thoughts and give out positive energy to everyone around me, I will not let anger take over me.  It turns out I see how incredibly strong I am recovering from such a loss.

That I was in fact the woman I want to be all along, strong and not helpless. I don’t need anyone but the love of myself and the people who love me who are my support system, and I have so much love around me. I work on it every second, there are moments when I loose and let myself cry, but then I just say stop, I am not allowed to do that. It is something very new for me. But I realized, if you want the world to change, it starts with you.

Much of who I was for awhile is the reason I lost something. I was negative and just helpless.  Instead of letting my higher self, that knows value, respect, wisdom and peace. Letting someone in to  my higher self and share that with me, the best me.  I let someone in to the wounded me and tried to make them fill a void that could only be filled by myself. I see that now.

I lost something very important and huge. It hurts deeply, beyond any pain. But I allow the pain to be present in my body, I’m mindful of it. But I do not let it take over me, the pain is not me, just an emotion passing by and taking a pit stop within my body but not my soul. So I’m giving it space for pain to be there and nurture it while I look forward and know that I deserve the best life can give me.  And I will only get that if I allow my mind to be in a positive state and have good energy. You must be ready to admit you have done wrong as well and not blame the world, and be willing to change. Try.

You owe yourself that. Only the truth can set you free.. . .for yourself and those you hurt, and those who hurt you. Be honest.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

But don’t let my glad expression, give you the wrong impression

POST SOUNDTRACK:  Tears of a clown by Smokey Robinson

**I have said some of these things before, but this is a case where repetition is  necessary. I hope you read all the way through.  It could be lifesaving.*

The role you play as an entertainer/artist is to touch peoples hearts, to inspire.  Something which in this day and age seems so lost to so many people seeking fame for all the wrong reasons.

I always knew that I wanted to entertain in one way or the other. I wanted to provide people with joy, music and creativity.  I wanted to have a voice that connected and brought joy to someones life.  The greatest entertainers will never know just how many lives they have touched, how something they contributed with has changed and inspired the lives of others.

I was so broken to see the news of Robin Williams passing, I grew up with him making me laugh and think.  As funny as he was, it was his dramatic roles that had some incredible speeches about; life, love and poetry.  Also laughter truly is the best medicine, he knew that, so he made the world laugh. Wish I could have returned that gift.

But that’s not what this post is about.

This post is about the disease that sadly took him.  One, like me, he was very open about.

On this blog I’ve always been incredible open about my own personal demons and vulnerability. I believe in transparency because the more people that are open and completely honest, the more people who suffer from this will maybe have the courage to seek help.  I have always been adamant that exposing my vulnerability and darkness not only saves me, but makes me stronger.

I started this blog during one of the darkest times of my lives.  In 2007-2008 I spent months in bed with constant tears and the darkest of thoughts.  I could not move, my passion, my spirit was all gone.  Yet I was surrounded by love, I had the strongest foundation of a support system.

I think this is where this disease gets easily disregarded.  I mean, my life is good, I am surrounded by support.  Or in Mr. Williams case, how could he possibly have a bad life?  He can’t possibly be in such bad shape.  Why would he complain?

That level of thought just frustrates me.

Understand that depression is an illness and should be treated seriously.  No matter how mild the symptoms, you need to be able to recognize them.

You loose perspective on sensibility when you are depressed.  A depressed persons brain does not function like someone with a healthy brain.  A healthy mind can think rationally. A morbid brain cannot think with rationale, it’s distorted.  It can’t see any other answer. It pushes the brain to places you never knew you had.  You can’t tell what is real and what makes common sense.

It saddens me when people judge and say it’s selfish to take “the easy way out.” Nothing about it is easy whoever comes to that tragic decision, it’s really hard actually.  But in their mind, they think the world is better off without.  They believe that they  are actually doing people a favor.  They feel hopeless looking at their loved ones, it pains them more to know you have to suffer because they suffer.  So your irrational brain can make you believe you are better off.  It’s so sad. 

I created this space as an outlet for my dark thoughts.  I wrote everyday of what I was going through.  They were graphic and incredibly heartbreaking confessions.  My mind was not in a state considered norm.

Then one day comments starting coming in and strangers were sharing their experiences.  Thanking me for my courage to be so open.  I was not alone.  You can be surrounded by love when depressed yet feel so alone in this world.  These strangers from around the world would check in on my blog to see how I was doing and offered their support with their own experiences.  I was educated and found strength to get out of bed and have my family take me to see a therapist.

To be honest, this very blog saved me.  It sounds cliche, but it is the truth. The written words gave me so much perspective and space for reflection during a time I could not fathom to take one step outside.  Instead I would sit in bed with my laptop and get lost with my words.

I found out I had a dark comedic voice, I chose to try and write in a “comedic” tone to ease that level of  discomfort of some of the things I confessed was on my mind.  It was my coping mechanism.

I have always made a point to be open about my depression, that till this day it is something I work on E V E R Y single day.  It is something I am proud of, that I’m not afraid to share my deepest weaknesses.  That I take medication, get psychiatric help  and I am not ashamed of it.  Because I can recognize that I have a sickness that is so dangerous because it can be so cleverly disguised and invisible.  There are different types of depression, please educate yourself on this.  I have clinical depression that was passed on genetically, I will always have it.    I could not wish  it upon anyone to be in that dark place.  Till this day of my biggest challenges is being able to be completely honest about it without making others feel scared or uncomfortable.  I love to educate people about it, to make them see things form another perspective. (Thank you, Dead poets society.)

I will tell you this right now, all I did when I was depressed was have morbid thoughts.  I just saw death everywhere I went.  When my friends asked me how I was doing, I would always reply.

“Well I’m not dead yet.  But I do fantasize how if sticking a fork in an electrical shock would be a fun way to go.”

My friends would be mortified when I uttered these words.  To be honest I didn’t say it for attention, I didn’t say I was going to do it.  It was the honest truth of what I was thinking about.  I was told it was not funny, and I shouldn’t talk like that.

I understand.

But YOU need to understand that sometimes, saying things in a self deprecating comedic way was the only way I could honestly say what was happening inside me.  If you really listen, you can hear a depressed person reach out.  Please, if you hear that tone in someone’s voice, and most of the time it will come out in a self-deprecating way.  Please take a moment aside and talk to that person, don’t just say-

I am here if you if you need me.

Tell them you can hear them.  You need to check in on them, because hardly do they reach out.  A depressed person never wants to burden anyone with their state of mind.  I honestly thought people would only listen because they were polite or out of guilt.

One thing I learned is, if you yourself have not experienced this darkness then you have no idea what you are talking about.  Depression is not like heartbreak, which I often mistook the two.  It’s both very painful.  Not to disregard heartbreak, but you can’t treat a depressed person the same you would a heartbroken person.  Sometimes you don’t even feel a single emotion, it’s like your body is an empty vessel.

My biggest struggle was living my life with people who didn’t understand depression and did not take it seriously or avoided it.  I’ve had relationships were the unwillingness to educate brought up a barrier.

I really wish it was mandatory to educate people what depression really is.  How to go about if a loved one in your life suffers with this.  With the best of intention, the wrong thing always gets said.  How to read the signs.

I mentioned that I still work everyday not to fall into that place.   Therapy has been a savior combined with medicine.  But some circumstances can set into motion a spiral where it still takes me days to recover.  I will admit that I have in these past months struggled with depression. It’s not as heavy but it’s there.  I have through therapy learned how to build muscles on how to cope and diffuse.

Because I know where my mind can go, I always try to take action when something bothers me.  My mental health is very important to me because it is what makes me function.  I try to tell people if they are doing something that makes me uncomfortable. Sadly sometimes pride often come in the way of some people and I have found when I try to take care of myself, I instead create enemies.  I get looked at as the bad person.  I’m not saying this gives me a pass to get away with shit, but at least I am aware of my faults.  What has saddened me is when unfortunately my fragile mind has affected other peoples relationship.  Its not something I want, I just know how important it is to take care of my mind. So I speak up for the person inside of me.

Please, ask your loved one what you need them to do.  Listen.  If they said, they just need you to be there.  Be there. We don’t need you to save us.  Don’t feel pressured that you need to do anything. Ask them.  Seek advice.  I ask you to please not to be afraid of tears, people get so uncomfortable when people cry.  Maybe because it awakens something inside of them.  Tears are beautiful, if a person wants to cry, let them cry till they can’t cry no more.  Let them scream, but patiently sit beside them and keep company.  Be there.

Be respectful when someone has told you something that upsets them, because you will never know their past experiences.  Be humble. Be mindful.

I am as human as you can get. I have all the emotions, heightened even.  I don’t write this as a plea for myself.  Luckily I know exactly which people in my life I can turn to.  I have wonderful friends who always check in on me and let’s me go loose.

I am overjoyed when people in real life come up and talk to me and say they read my blog and say thank you or seek my advice.  I am always here if you need to. ALWAYS.

You will see many articles about depression this week, its wonderful but so tragic what had to happen in order to get some spotlight on it.  I haven’t written a post like this in ages.  But it is something that I know, and I am very passionate about people learning.

Share this.  Not to promote this blog, I don’t care about that. I just want people to understand.

This is for the people who might have someone with depression in their life, please, please, please I beg you, read about it. Educate yourself. There are tons of great articles about what to say or not to say with someone with depression.  Even simple buzzfeed articles if you need simple fast reading on How to deal with a depressed partner or friend.  You will never know how much a slight adjustment, approach and understanding  on your part might just save a persons spirit and even their life.

Now isn’t that the best gift we could give anyone?

Your move chief.

Posted in dark places, depression | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Don’t, don’t you want me

Post soundtrack: Don’t you want me by The human league

In most people life’s there will come a time where you have to face one of the most trying and challenging tasks ever.

To find a job.

It is so difficult to keep the spirit going when you constantly are met with rejection.  Cover letter after cover letter to jobs you are confident you will get a call back, only to be met with rejection.  Rejection which is the one thing you just have to learn to live with. I have questioned myself so much in the past 5 months while searching for a new profession.  It is so defeating to the soul when you just can’t seem to catch a break.  I just feel like screaming at people who condescendingly judge by saying

”You are not trying hard enough.”

Worse is the people who say

“Why don’t you just do *Insert some job here*”

Though I do welcome tips, as I am loosing sight of what goal I have.

The frustration it builds up inside is pure toxic.

There have been days I just couldn’t handle any more rejections, that I just sink into a hole of self doubt and paranoia.  I can actually convince myself that everyone is turning their backs on me and all my friends have abandoned me.  As you can see, one area can span into a whole shitstorm of emotional paranoia clusters.  I have issues, but that’s a whole other story.

It’s hard when you are doing one thing on the side, trying to build your own brand. But you still need to make an income somehow.  This is the area most people suffer with I believe.  They want to chase their dreams.  I just don’t have all the resources I would like to do my own thing.  Sadly that’s how the world works.

I have applied for jobs at companies I worked at before, but different country. I have applied for positions I have expertise and actually done for years. Then not even get a interview callback, it has crushed me.  But because this is how life is, I can’t be too crushed because I need to move on.  Yet it creates a monster voice in your head.

No one wants you.

You don’t know the right people.

You are not relevant.

You are a has been.

Looking for a job also means you probably are in tight spot financially, having to say no to lunches and dinners because it blows out your tight budget. It makes me feel low about myself.

I have applied for jobs working in a shop and I don’t even get a call back.This is not healthy, I’m spiraling.  Everyday the bed calls my name, asking me to get back in and hide.  A place where nothing will get solved, and wont help anyone. Except I feel safe.I’m usually a very strong woman, but these days I am so frail to any critique.  It’s scaring the shit out of me.  I’m not nice to be around anymore, and it’s very sad seeing yourself slip away.  At this point I think I managed to destroy all confidence I used to have.  All I see everywhere is failure within myself.



Posted in aging, clusterfucked | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Were wastin time Inside my mind

Post soundtrack: Were wastin time by The Rolling Stones.

I think some procrastinating come from simply having too many ideas.  That might sound like some sort of excuse for laziness.  But have you ever had so many things you want to do and achieve, that can sometimes be so far fetched from each other?

I am pretty sure many of those, just like me, who feel lost and without a cause.  It’s not because they don’t have a cause, but simply because they lack the skill of organization or not knowing where to start. I think the other problem is knowing which of these many ideas to start with.

Then again, this might be some elaborate excuse for procrastination.  Time goes by and wrinkles appear, still nothing seems to have changed.

How much fight can someone have before they get too scared? I wonder this at times, because the truth is there is so much fear inside of me.  Of what I am not sure of, all I know is I feel paralyzed by non existent actions.  There is nothing more scarier and regretful than that, the only thing worse is the fact that you are aware of things and still stand completely still.




Posted in dreams, goals, my-so called life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Blinded by the light

POST SOUNDTRACK: Blinded by the light by Manfred Mann

I think I’ve been trying to find myself for all my life. Confused in what I am supposed to do. For ages I’ve been starting up new blogs here and there, I now officially have 4 blogs.

I tried to abandon this place because I felt it was too personal and too dark, that my life had moved on from that. I was suddenly afraid that I would be judged. But that train left ages ago, because you will always be judged on something.

I often feel the yearn to come back to this space and write, about my revelations in human behavior and experience. Yet I shy away because I think I should be over that by now.

I’ve been having sort of a Don Draper transformation. I was desperately seeking something, still am, in the process lost much of who I was. Only to find I had abandon the thing I was good at. I’ve been wondering how can I make it in this digital world writing about something remotely interesting. Having lots of interest I discovered I enjoy writing about television, food and my thoughts.  I enjoy photography and yoga.  I thought no one will care about the rants I do here, but this is what I do best. Write about life. Consistency is something that abandoned me a long time ago, so maybe I wont write something again here for another 6 months.  I also forget that this space is really for me, and the minute you start having the need to please the world, you loose yourself.

I have moved to a new city and started my life on a clean slate. Something very challenging to do, because to start fresh means the architecture of my old comfort is gone. I now have to build a whole new foundation to create a space for me to live. You realize, just building a new foundation consists of so many new components. To build brick by brick you need to have a vision of where you want to end up.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m afraid of the world. I’m afraid I can’t help it, I’m afraid I can’t

Post soundtrack
Im afraid of Americans by Davod Bowie and Nine inch nails

You know that saying that goes “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”  I hate that saying, probably because it’s true.

Fear is a bitch, biggest bitch ever.

When I was little I feared the fun things like the dark, fire, snakes and sharks,  I guess they are common fears for kids.  Those are nice fears, the PG version of fear.  When you get older fear turns into this emotional inside shit.  I mean you can actually fear everything on this earth, that’s so fucked up.

We all fear the unknown, I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t own that fear in some way.  And why wouldn’t they?

I have many fears, especially fears about the future, which is funny because none of it has actually happened.  Unless I somehow get to the place I fear all by myself.  I’m very good at that.  My shrink call its ”healthy” to be fearful, or I wouldn’t be human or some shit like that.

There are people who are optimists and able to live in the now, then people like me who are so good at really thinking the worst things at all times.  I’m talking real obscure shit.

Like if I was in a plane crash, I’m afraid of how cold the water would be.  I call it optimistic pessimism.  I am optimistic enough to assume I will survive, you know, a plane crash, but   then impending doom of pain awaits.  I hate to be cold.

I probably should stop writing now.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

I need some wind to get me sailing, so it’s the storm that I believe in.

Post soundtrack: You’re the storm – The Cardigans

An important lesson I’ve learned in the path to become superwoman.  Is that you can’t control outcomes, but you sure as fucking hell can control how you act.

Now, re-read that last line again carefully, and make sure you understand.

You will, as I have done many, many fucking times.  Mix two very different concepts up as being one of the same.

There is a huge difference between;

How you feel


How you act.

You need to find out by yourself, what areas in your life you want to combine those two.

This to me is a concept I find is of great priority in my life and the path of personal growth.

I have a sensitivity chip that goes off like popcorn’s poppin in the microwave.   And I want to be aware of the distinction between what I feel at a certain moment versus what I feel is important to me. I want to be able to recognize and welcome distracting emotions, have them inside, nurture the bad emotions.  Knowing they will go away. Not letting a insecurity or situation make me act out, but instead being aware that it’s there. Allowing it, not reacting to it and then move on with me.

For my reaction to be, not to act upon my emotion but being aware of it.  That is how you control your actions.

I’ve become relatively good (I said, relatively, Note that please) at controlling my behavior (Mostly temper).  I’ve learned to ignore some of the everyday insignificant things that comes in and out, without letting it get into to me and distract my mind.

Yet sometimes I just can’t control on how I want to act, I just blow out of epic fuckin proportions faster than I can retract.

I want to be the best version of me possible, to make sure I’ve explored what it is to truly BE.  I am already this person, you are also already that person.

But you will never stop learning in life, NEVER.  Learn to recognize when the sides of yourself come out that doesn’t make you feel good and creates a toxic environment inside your body.  Accept that you behaved and thought a certain way.  But the only way to change any of that, begins with you taking responsibility for your own actions. So learn to be humble and admit you have been wrong.  We are all forever evolving and shaped by our surroundings as time passes by.

The minute you think you know it all and have it figured out, trust me will life throw you a fucking curve-balll.  So it’s important to remember that when new situations arise, you take a step back and think.  . .

Now how does the person I want to be, handle this?

You will sometimes feel emotions you want to act upon instantly, without thinking about repercussions. Then BOOM, a bucket full of semen clusterfuck.

I have always said we should not walk around holding things inside, instead just say what you mean.  Which might make us the bad person at times. That’s OK, as long as it is a part of your moral code and the person you want to be.

Say what you truly feel when you know your own moral standpoint.   Say what you feel if it makes you come closer to the best you.


If you are feeling a certain way, because it comes from a place of fear and insecurities.  YOU, have the power to choose how to behave.  All of that will be in your control.  This is when you are tested.  I admit there are several situations, where you let a situation get the best of you before you have actually had time to asses it.

People who like myself act upon impulse, will often find themselves reacting emotionally, momentarily. I really don’t like to behave like this. I don’t like it when the weak sides of myself appear and my emotions clouds the moral compass of who I am.  Because I know I can be better.   And you can bet your arse on that I really do work everyday to separate an emotion coming in the way of me.

So when I have reacted emotionally, my test as a person is how I choose to proceed with my actions.  People who wish to see you succeed will see how you are working and trying. While some might stay in  the clouds and remain fogged by your emotional outbursts.  Which is a shame, because they won’t see the real you.

I like to think of it like this.

I am the sun.

I shine bright, I’m hot and make all things wonderful.  I make things come alive.  Emotions and obstacles come in forms of wind and clouds.  And sometimes those clouds will create a thunderous storm or rain like a mother bitch.  This will happen to you throughout your life. Obstacles will come and go.  BUT you are not in fact not your emotions. They are just a feelings. They are not constant.  The sun is constant, YOU are constant.

So try next time a storm is coming.  Allow the clouds to come in, but learn recognize and separate the sun from the clouds.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, there is so much character in how you redeem yourself after a storm.  This is how you ACT is in your control and you can become super-you.

Retribution is a beautiful thing. Make sure that when that storm passes, you make up for it.  That you shine and show who you are.  What the sun is capable of. That you can make the earth move, beautiful things grow and create a beautiful world because of you, the sun.

Some days are harder because of winds.  But never let that discourage you or take over the sun.

Because it can’t.

End credit soundtrack

Don’t let the sun go down on me
Although i search myself, it’s always someone else i see
George Michael and Elton John

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You don’t have to feel like a waste of space You’re original, cannot be replaced

Post soundtrack: Firework by Katy Perry (such a good fucking power song)

I never quite understood the notion of having to be “strong.”  I mean this in the sense that, from when we are young we are taught that hard people, are strong people.  They project this sense of self-composure at all times.  Because that is what we are taught is the right behavior.

I just have this feeling it must be very lonely living your life always so “appropriate.”

The root of all insecurities is the fear of being alone.  That you have no one on your team.  They say we all die alone, but I believe that to be one of the saddest statements ever.

The most rewarding gift life can give you, is knowing you are apart of a team and being reminded how important your position is. That when you take on whatever task, you won’t feel alone, because there there is no doubt you always have a team behind you.

Growing up I was never a team player, I never did sports that required to work as a team. In fact all my activities was some sort of lone activity.  I have come to realize, I have a strong need to feel apart of something.  To be reminded that my role is of significance.

You will learn that a real team, is a place where you can always go for encouragement when you are in unfamiliar territory.  A place that will give you tough love and make sure you work out to become the stronger athlete in life.  That if you were to stumble or get lost in your path, your team will pick you up and make sure to put you on the right track.

You need teamwork in your family, your workplace, your friends and love life.  Because when we are faced with some of the challenges life throws our way.  The most secure feeling is knowing you have a team to fall back on.  That even when you have to do something by yourself, there is a team of coaches and cheerleaders having your back and wanting the best for you.  We all need cheerleaders.

I can never say this enough.  You need to cheer people on all the time. The happiness you can bring to someone by just simple encouraging words, can really change a persons sense of worth.

We might be in the middle of our game, tired and uninspired to move on.

The encouragement from someone cheering you on is priceless.  You can never tell a person enough how much you appreciate their existence of being, that you are happy they exist, that what they are doing is great.

You often hear the saying.  Act now before it’s too late. This is true.  But to me, you should act now because you will give such encouragement to another human being.

No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted. It’s such a great saying. No matter how confident you are of whatever path you are on, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. You should every single day, your family members, friends and loves feel are reminded of their importance. No matter in what form or gesture.  Because if it’s one thing I know, is that we are so good at forgetting that we in fact are not alone.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I’m just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.

Post Soundtrack: Don’t let me be misunderstood – Santa Esmeralda

One of the most important lessons I have learned, is what they always preach out about in movies and day time talk shows.


Communication should be your most important value, no matter what area in your life.

What I also learned is that most of us are scared of communicating.  Something that really puzzles me, because it should be so easy.  Yet it seems to be the hardest task we all endure.  Fuck me, I think I’m good at it, but somehow every time I seem to communicate something that involves emotions, it comes out all kinds of bat-shit-cray.

Listen, we all have flaws and problems we struggle with internally. I feel most people spend so much time hiding their flaws.  That’s what creates clusterfucks communication.

Instead, what we all are fucking world champions at is presumption.

Oh, how presumption is the mother of all fuck ups.

Presumption of how we feel a outcome should be.  We forget that the rest of the world is in fact, not us.  Personally I do this all the time, I forget that no one actually knows how it is to be me. Instead I presume they know, and when the outcome is something I’m not pleased with, shit goes cray.

Communication fucking breakdown.

Here comes a fucknut of irony.  I can with effortless skill, expose every part of myself in writing.  Yet, I am convinced people will always run from me if they really saw all sides of me. That’s quite sad thinking really

Everything feels it comes out wrong with all the wrong emotions.

This is maybe the curse of a woman.  You see us women have this wonderful way of trying to communicate what we want, all while acting completely fucking insane.   Insight comes waaaaaaaaay later and by then the damage has already been done, and we cannot retract.  Women are wired on impulses.  We are incapable of holding in emotions, so we act out in the most bizarre ways.

When the solution to it all, is saying

“I have a problem with this because…..”

So I have this list for everyone to remember.

  1. Sometimes our message comes out wrong
  2. No one wants to admit they are wrong, it’s fucking hard.
  3. When someone does admit they are wrong. Know that took strength from them and should not be further punished.
  4. Do not judge.  Respect what someone is trying to say, even though how much we disagree. Because we are so afraid to be judged we do not communicate our true feelings.  This usually leads to some projectile vomit of emotion consisting of either; Crying, screaming, passive aggressiveness or sarcasm.  If you are “lucky” you get all in one blender.
  5. Let actions speak for themselves, pay attention to them.
  6. Never be afraid to ask anything. Seriously, ASK!
  7. Always let people know they are important. There is never too much reminding how wonderful or grateful you think of someone.

Everyday you will be tested in some area in life. You will always be tested and it will come in the most unpredictable of situations. What matters here is how you own and step up to the situation. This is where you need to know what your core values are, and one of those should always be the willingness to understand and communication.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If she says she can do it. Then she can do it, she don’t make false claims. But she’s a Queen, and such are queens

Post soundtrack: Queen Bitch by David Bowie

Every time I read “Letters to a young poet” I get so inspired to write again.  My hands itch and I love it.

I’ve been on the verge of a breakdown of sorts lately.  The tiniest things set me off.

I cry, I loose my shit, cry again, laugh, get excited and then it all goes around again. Oh, am I a treat some days.   It stems from stress, fears and all those places that brings out the worst in people.

There are many new aspects happening at once in my life right now it is overwhelming. It’s nothing serious, I’m just learning to juggle and adding more balls.


I’m adding all these new situations to my life while trying to keep calm.

By the way, that whole ‘keep calm and carry on poster.’  It’s stupid. Of course we all should keep calm.  But what’s so fricking wrong with just saying it???

I think it’s one of the biggest struggles for most people.  Is the misconception of the message you are trying to convey to the world.  It comes out wrong.

There is no denial that many people who don’t really know me, consider me a complete psycho bitch; evil and maybe even conniving. I fully accept and I am aware of that.  On the other side, I am also the most compassionate, understanding, loving and most importantly honest person.

We are so afraid to become the “bitch” because no wants to be the bitch.  We want to be thought of as the one with the purest heart and intentions. The hippie that just keeps saying love each other.

Ironically I do end most my mails with peace and love.

Most of us mask ourselves under this false pretense, because God forbid we let people into our mind to see what we really think.

Listen up people.  To say exactly what and how you feel to the people who surround you, no matter how wrong it sounds.  IT’S OK!!   Because if they judge you for it, they are not giving their best intention back to you. If they disagree, GOOD, we need people to learn new perspectives from. That’s what it’s about, starting a line of communication.

(Of course there is a time and place for everything, but that’s a whole other topic I will get into in another post.  I’m not telling you to say fuck off to your boss or anything.  But do speak up)

To be honest, you can trust a bitch more than a person who always gives you sunshine smiles up the ass. There are bitches and there are bullies,  it’s a big difference.

There is no fault in feeling things others might seem absurd and wrong. You feel what you feel, no one can control that.  We all come from different pasts that shapes our behavior. This is, what life is.

How can there be any evolvement as a human being if you wont let your guard down? You gotta open your fucking mouth and say it.

This, is very important.

When you do speak your mind about something.  Always remember where the other person stands, they do not have the same background as you.  They might not see it the way you see it and think you are the one being ridiculous. If something is upsetting you, try to express your will of a solution.  There must be respect of feelings. But the other party might not completely understand your standpoint at all.

Here is a newsflash. YOU, can be wrong. IT’S OK!

You will only grow when you face that. We all forget that the world is not just us.

I mean don’t we all think we know whats best???

I know I don’t know what’s best, I just know how I feel.  Because I don’t know best, I speak my mind.  So try to learn to stand in another persons shoes. If you fail on this, if you hold on to pride too much and refuse to compromise.  There will never be peace.

I do not choose some of the things I do, I work very fucking hard to do what I know in my mind is right, but fuck is my emotions stronger than my head.

I’m actually a beautiful wonderful person, I’m proud to say that. I know that because my life is surrounded by great people.  It’s a testament that I have been a good friend. I believe it’s because I have ALWAYS said exactly how I feel, while also seeing the standpoint from the other side.

It is not easy to be a bitch. But I have realized that the path on becoming a strong person, you need to stand up and speak your mind.  Again, this is where the misconception of a bitch and confidence gets mixed up.  I do not want to be cruel, I do not wish harm onto anyone. It just comes out that way.

The reason I am this outspoken is because I wish for peace and understanding, I wish for communication.  I can’t do that by throwing peace signs and hearts everywhere.  I can do it by expressing myself and have the will to understand.

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I’m every woman…

Post Sountrack: I’m every woman by Whitney Houston

A few years ago I would bust out a blog post daily. Conveying whatever feeling I was experiencing that particular day.  I still love writing with a passion, I will always be a writer at heart.  But find myself not able to write everyday.  Probably because I feel I want to put out a bunch of minutia of things that might not really matter anymore.

I also know the difference of writing something with meaning vs. this is how I feel today.

There was a clear pattern in the past that when I was broken in any area of my life, I would projectile emote instantly.  It was highly entertaining I know, of the deep levels of crazy fuck I would go to.

Oh, the mess I would spew out! I still spew mess. . .but with a different awareness.

Lately there has been a clear change, I think it’s because I’m finally comfortable with who I am. Including knowing I am not always a good person, that can take pleasure in it. That I have insecurities and faults that leads me to be self-deprecating or call attention to myself.

I have thoroughly enjoyed becoming a woman, the woman I always wanted to be.  You might find that several posts from the past is missing on this blog, the bat-shit-cray ones, but it wasn’t fair to the people involved.  I still have a strong need for expression and attention.  Something I learned is a natural apart of being a woman.  Something I learned is who I AM.  It’s OK to want attention, it’s OK to ask for it. It’s OK for the fragile woman to be reminded of love.

I know I act like how I am sometimes because of all the fucked up things I experienced as a girl in my 20s, the things I didn’t know how to deal with.

I find myself now wanting to share deeper things of what it means to truly become a woman, the lessons I learned.

I have come to understand that women love tearing other women down. I also learned men are very blind to the incredibly despicable mind of how we can really be towards each other.  Fuck me, are you guys completely blind sometimes.  The snipes and satisfaction we get to have this urge to “win” and prove something to one another.

Women tear each other down instead of building each other up, we have absolutely no respect for each other.  In the world of social media, women are evil masterminds on clusterfucking up another woman’s mind.  All with it seeming “innocent.”

There is almost always a hidden message in a social media post.  This message is a language only women will understand.  How do I know this? Cause I invented the game of calculating ninja bombs.  Our hands are clean, but somehow it still gets to where it’s supposed to and we fuck up another persons mood. I know how wrong that is.  But we just can’t help ourselves,.  It is wrong, but I know it is and try to better myself.  I am aware of every bad thing I do, I even sometimes take pleasure in it. I just can’t help myself.

If  as a female you find yourself now saying

“I have no idea what she is talking about. I’m not like that”

Then I’m sorry to inform you that you are not a woman yet.  You are too proud to admit that you in fact at times can be a calculating person who takes satisfaction on making other girls loose their shit.  Ladies do not think for a second we can’t see it.  Us women see it all.

We have this ability to become obsessive with one another.  I find that I myself have struggled with this a lot.  I still do, but I fight everyday to resist.  It all stems from our insecurities.

I write this today because at the moment, so many of my girlfriends are going through these silent wars with other women.  I will admit that I am sending a message with this post. It bares no cruelty, no satisfaction, but a plea instead. A reality.

Last year I had so much hatred and anger in me, I was incapable to love.  I was too busy trying to find faults in someone else and proving myself to be better.  It wasn’t up until recently that I realized that the person in question was fighting the same fight with herself.  So I let go, I surrendered. I was sick of the hatred and what it did to me, it didn’t make me proud of who I was.  I admitted that I had intentionally been cruel and received pleasure from it. That I intentionally was trying to make her mad.  When we were both able to admit we both had been insecure,  a bond between women I think only we can understand formed, we were on the same side now.  I found that to be a beautiful experience.

It’s when I truly let go of the fight I found I no longer had this urge to prove myself, instead I was in peace.  There was no inferior feeling of winning, it was just peace.

Women are more competitive with each other than you can ever imagine. We really love to prove to other women something.

I wrote on my instagram today that everyday my goal is to be the woman I would be proud of myself to be.  I have many issues and I’m far from perfect, I’m a woman, and no one is perfect.  I would make rash decisions in the past that were triggered by my very hot emotional temper, I would judge easily.  I have learned as a woman to accept responsibility for my actions, to admit my intent was not pure.  To humbly and gracefully acknowledge when I have done wrong.  To have the womanly courage to sincerely apologize of things I did, as well as have the strength to forgive and hold no grudges.  Only then can I truly become a lady.

I have a temper that erupts like a volcano.  I still act like a high-school girl who bitches to my friends, I don’t want to.  But again, it’s apart of being a woman.

I erupt on a daily basis.  I still find myself acting way too fast and not stepping back to assess the situation and intent.  I’m learning that this will never go away, I will always be insecure.  I’m lucky to have someone in my life who let’s me break into complete bat-shit-crazy mode from screams to tears.

But it’s my girlfriends that really know how to lift me up.  I have learned to reach out to them, to ask them for support, it is the most beautiful experience when you feel pure sincereness  from your friends.  As women they know exactly what you feel, and don’t judge your faults.  Even when I’m wrong, they tell me straight to my face I’m being stupid.

It’s OK to admit you are weak, because your girlfriends will lift you up like no one else.

I’m still learning to be a woman, but I also with this humbly admit I have not been nice, but this works two ways. Think about it :)

Much love

your Tambourine Queen

Posted in aging | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I stand up and I’m searching for the better part of me . . .

Post soundtrack: Superwoman by Alicia Keys

I was never a good ball player, in fact I would usually be the last one picked when it came to ball games.  When it comes to the ball game of life, I have been thrown many curve-balls over the years.

Some have been good, some have been bad.  All I know is that they completely disrupted the way I thought I was heading.

I sit here in my old bedroom at my parents house.  I never thought at 33 I would be moving back to my parents, but it’s only temporary.   I will move on to somewhere else.

I don’t know if the longer you are in the game of life, the better  you get at those unexpected curve-balls.  I do know I have grown tremendously, then some parts of me remains that insecure little girl who thinks she will fail at everything.  When the truth is, the little girl rejects to see her accomplishments.  It’s so easy to get stuck in fear and doubt.

I often find myself not proud of some of my actions, yet I keep repeating them, it’s one of those things I will never understand. As much as I try to improve in certain areas, sometimes you just feel you can’t rise above anything. As a woman that is important to me. To rise above myself.

Life guarantees you that you will be making major decisions, every now and then you are given the chance to do something of big change and you know it will affect your whole way of living.  I’m at that point, when I want something and I’m fully in, there is no room for doubt.  Still I can’t help but feel that I will fail.  That is quite a sad way of thinking really. . .

Because I know if we have no doubt, work fucking hard, you will not fail.

Posted in my-so called life | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Don’t turn your back on me, I won’t be ignored

Post soundtrack: Faint by Linkin Park

I was watching breaking bad, catching up on some old episodes.  There is a scene where Lydia is frustrated and angry.  She goes into her office, shuts the blinds and screams loud into a pillow.

What a relief. . . I thought it was just me who did that.

But then I thought, wouldn’t the world be better off if all women always had a screaming pillow by their side?  Or at least the ones who have mild temper issues like myself, the short fuse that can go off in any second.

See, I’ve mastered the art of smiling it away, my anger that is.  To shut the fuck up.  Because in most situations if I really spoke my mind and start screaming like I want to, I think even Kanye would run and hide.  If I had a screaming pillow, I could just scream into it.  I think the world would be a better place if women got to release their pent up anger at times.

I can make a pocket pillow that acts like a airbag.  Like a powder compact, when you open, out comes the pillow.  Screaming can be extremely calming at times, well the moment after you scream because you are so exhausted, you actually become calm.  This pocket airbag can also work as a punch bag, as I think hitting something hard can also be very therapeutic.

Fuck I’m a genius

Posted in I am fucking awesome | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment